Zoiks! A Friday Show For Once

Last night, while enjoying a smashing evening with friends at O'Corleys, I learned that three terrific local bands are actually playing at Vito's on Friday instead of on Thursday for once. So rise fellow weekday work zombies as we can enjoy a local show for once without fear of employer reprisals. Friday, Friday, Friday, Prepare for Fancy Blood, No More Analog, and False Arrest at Vito's. OBEY!

What a Year

2008 was quite a year, a mixed bag if you will. Where there was the election of the indestructible Obama (up, up, and away) there was Blagojevich and Spitzer. Movies like “The Dark Knight” and “Wall-E” were worth every Benjamin spent on tickets and popcorn while films like “The Happening” and “The Love Guru” incited rioting in the streets.

Musically, Axl Rose finally gave us “Chinese Democracy” after 13 years, Rihanna went “Thriller” with 2007’s “Good Girl Gone Bad” as almost every track became a single making the album relevant in 2008, Britney Spears got her sexy back allowing guys who live in their parents’ basement to cancel their porn subscriptions, and Vanilla Ice released an album featuring “Ice Ice Baby” remixes and covers of classic 90’s rap hits. The album is like a harder version of Robert Goulet’s “The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s a Rap!”

As far as politics go, 50 percent of California’s gay community won’t be getting divorced because of proposition eight, the presidential election made Alaska relevant for 15 minutes, terrorists are still acting like a playground bully, pirates are swashbuckling on speed boats sans eyepatches and peg legs, our economy is in the tank, and China will probably control the world by 2050.

In the sports world, the other Manning foiled the Patriots perfect season, Floridians actually watched baseball because of the Rays, Big Brown didn't live up to the hype causing many broken thumbs and a shortage of rope, handsaws, and plastic sheets, hockey still isn’t on a TV channel I get for free, and Plaxico Burress brought an unregistered gun into a night club…loaded…and shot himself in the foot.

And the most shocking news of all…Clay Aiken is gay.

What a crazy year, and that’s not even it. Enjoy the following list of the best and worst moments of 2008.

The Worst Moments of 2008

The Mumbai Massacre - Some terrorists once again decided to ruin everybody’s fun and commit another act of douchebaggery. I’m not going to get into a discussion on ideology, revenge, or other reasons why these rat bastards continue to commit these acts. I agree, there are lots of things f#$%&# up in the world but killing people is not helping you make any new friends. In the movie “Demolition Man” the terrorists ransacking the Taco Bell’s actually had a worthy cause. You are just assholes.

The Next Bailout Should be for my Student Loans – The economy is terrible, so what do the fat cats in Washington decide to do? Throw money at the problem. I guess they figure the same approach works whenever a DUI or dead hooker shows up so apply the same solution in this case. First, the banks got billions.Then the auto industry got some. Now the retail industry is clamoring because people aren’t maxing out their credit cards anymore in pursuit of crap they don’t really need. I’m not an economist so don’t ask me if the bailouts will actually work or not. Really, I don’t think the “experts” even know. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that these industries wouldn’t let many of us near a loan or a car unless we agreed to pay a ridiculous interest rate (hmm…maybe that’s one reason why we’re in this mess to begin with), and now they want to borrow money from our moth infested pockets. If the retailers somehow get a bailout then shoplifting should be made legal for one day so we can get some return on our “investment.” Look out Best Buy, here I come.

Who Wouldn’t Kill for a Nintendo Wii? Do You Know How Hard They Are to Find, Geesh! – Some folks in Long Island showed us their version of the meaning of Christmas when they trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death because of their zombieish hunger for heavily discounted items. Next year, so everybody has a chance, I say get the poor employees making minimum wage out of the way and have the shoppers fight for their prized items in a Roman style gladiator match. The last people standing will rejoice knowing they won and that little Timmy won’t throw a temper tantrum Christmas morning. The losers still alive will have to live with the shame that they let their families down, but they’ll have a great story to tell. Sorry, Bobby, at least Daddy still has all of his limbs.

High School Health Class Just Got a Little More Interesting - The man who gave birth did not make my worst list because I have something against transgendered folks. You’re adults so do what you want, except your “Crying Game” trickery makes the push up bra a welcome surprise. The guy who gave birth makes this list because now women everywhere actually have some weight behind their complaints that men should have to bear childbirth so we understand the pain. Forget that a pebble could barely squeeze through our pee holes, the doctors would have to rip that sucker straight out. Think of Kuato from Total Recall.

Democratic Republic: The Right to Vote for the Best Hypocrite - While 2008 gave us the election of Barack Obama, a guy whose trustworthiness causes shivering orgasms, the year also brought us the likes of Governor Rod Blagojevich, Governor Elliot Spitzer, and Senator John Edwards. All three candidates ran on high moral platforms and all managed to show us once again that you can never trust a politician. These men did do some good with their scandals, however. Blagojevich showed that Lego Men can achieve greatness in the human world, Spitzer’s main lady Ashley Dupree got her music heard because of her 15 minutes of fame (I think her single “Pearl Necklace” was number one on Itunes for a week), and Edwards, well, I cannot say the same for him. The guy cheated on his cancer ridden wife. Bastard move. And Sen. Larry Craig still hasn’t resigned. Way to go, Wide Stance!

The Best Moments of 2008

Obama Almighty (Hopefully not Another Crappy Bruce Almighty Sequel) – The 2008 election gave us two things: an inspirational leader who wants to unite our split country and an Obama commemorative plate to add to our already vast collection of fine china. He’s going right next to Elvis and the porcelain rooster napkin holder. Sure many of us believed a tin of SPAM would be an improvement of Dubya, but this guy actually seems like he’s going to get the job done. His name conjures up visions of Kennedy and Lincoln, and he hasn’t even served one day in office yet. Who-ahh! The election also showed how far we’ve progressed as the country elected an African-American to the highest office, and the 18-24 crowd stopped just saying they would vote and went to the polls finally. It was nice not having voting machines, lawyers, and the Supreme Court choose our president for once.

The Dark Knight (No, I’m not talking about Obama again) - Christopher Nolan’s sequel to “Batman Begins” was the best movie of the year, the best movie of the decade, and maybe even the best movie of all time. The fact that many snooty critics are considering the action-blockbuster for a best picture nomination speaks volumes. The late Heath Ledger has already picked up numerous Best Supporting Actor awards and is a shoo in for the Oscar in the same category. He personified the Joker, and future Batman films will suffer because they won’t be able to live up to the bar that he set. So, yeah, it was a great movie. Hopefully you didn’t waste your money on “The Happening.”

Flipper, Flipper, Faster Than Lightning – Michael Phelps looked like a dolphin competing against men as he decimated the competition in Beijing. Jason Lezak came a nanonsecond away from beating Aquaman, but not even he or China’s air quality (luckily Phelps had to hold his breath most of the time) could thwart the swimmer’s record breaking eight Olympic gold medals. Now the guy is showing up everywhere with all the gold bling around his neck. Don’t let the fame get to your head. Facebook photos of you at strip clubs aren’t helping your cred with sponsors. You seem like a nice guy. You don’t want to end up like Pacman Jones, do you?

J.J. Abrams Just Likes to Torture Us – Enough with the questions man, we want answers! “Lost” season four brought us more questions, some answers, and hours of hair pulling. We learned a little bit because of future glimpses of the Oceanic Six, but the last half of the year we’ve been torturing ourselves trying to figure out why Locke is in the casket, where the island went, and if Jin is still alive. If “Lost” episodes were shown to terrorists every attack would be thwarted because they would give up all information in return for future episodes. We would get the last laugh though because there never are any answers. And everyone thinks waterboarding is cruel.

TV Evangelicals Have Been Right All Along – The Tampa Bay Rays removed “Devil” from their name, and, presto, they went from American League laughing stocks to American League pennant winners. The ball club proved that teams with lowly payrolls can be successful against richer franchises if they possess the right combination of youth, pitching, speed, scouting, power, chemistry, and veteran leadership. Having a ton of first round draft picks for the last decade helped a lot too. Even though the Phillies defeated them in five games to win the World Series, baseball fans will always remember 2008 as the year of the Rays. Although, Tampa’s fair weather fans will probably forget in two years, if the team doesn’t duplicate its success next year.

New Sports Blog - The Walk Ons

Some friends and I have started a blog called The Walk Ons, which can be read at www.walkons.blogspot.com. For those of you who like to read my occasional sports rants, those articles will move to the new blog. For those of you who were picked last for dodgeball in gym class, you'll no longer have to curse my name as sports blogs will no longer be a part of Ghostmen. Stay classy San Diego.

TGIF, but Monday is Always Looming

"Did I do thhaaatttt?"

Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend" says it all. So, so poignant. Friday's are always such a cheerful day because two and a half days of freedom from work drudgery are a five o'clock whistle blow away. For those of us who don't enjoy our job, have no passion for it, and/or trudge there everyday only in the name of bills, bills, bills, weekends are everything.

Doing the math, weekends equal around 130 days of the year, meaning, if you work a five day work week, eight hours (if your lucky) of each day of the remaining 235 days (not factoring in holidays and "sick days"), are spent "working for the weekend." This doesn't include the time spent in preparation for work or the nights spent at home instead of at a show because it would be irresponsible/craptacular to stay out all night and zombie it through the next day.

The joys of the real world. Luckily, for the folks out there who aren't shackled to their cubicle with a one foot titanium chain, there are hilarious friends and co-workers to countdown the work days with.

I envy all of you who are passionate about your job and have employers who actually appreciate and reward your toil. This post is way too depressing for a Friday. To get back in the groove, for your listening pleasure, the theme song to "Family Matters." Ba ba ba ba ba do (music, not Robert Goulet).....It's a rare condition, this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand design (high and long on the -sign), some people say it's even harder to find...

"And What Do You Call the Act?" The Aristocrats!

On the way to Tallahassee for Andrew's Open Mic at The Comedy Zone, he and Billy told me about a behind closed doors joke shared by comedians called The Aristocrats." Basically, the setup and punchline are always the same, something along the lines of somebody pitching an act to a talent agent and then the talent agent asking what the act is called followed by the answer - "The Aristocrats."

The middle of the joke is where hilarity ensues. It is always different and the idea is to ad lib the most nasty, shocking, grotesque act that anybody could ever imagine.

In 2005, a documentary came out about "The Aristocrats." It shows various comics doing their version of the joke, and, according to Andrew, Bob Saget does the best version. For your enjoyment here it is. It's definitely not the after school special brand of Full House that we're all used to.

Note: This video is totally inappropriate for anybody under the age of 175.

1. Keep It Away From Bright Light 2. Don't Get Water On It 3. Never Feed It After Midnight

This is a picture of our cat Boston when he was a wee kitten. Even then it was clear he would grow to gargantuan proportions. I found it on the computer and put it on here because it is hilarious. He looks like Garfield now, but, back then, he looked like a nice Gremlin.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Shoe

Apparently, in Arab culture, "throwing a shoe or striking someone with one is the ultimate form of contempt," according to this CNN story. In that case, this Iraqi journalist showed how he and I'm sure more than a few of his country men and women feel towards our lame duck pres and the U.S.'s treatment of Iraq.

Bush looked like a true dodgeball hero or the latest human saved from the Matrix as he avoided the casual shoe fastballs. I know they were shoes and the journalists covering the press conference were probably searched for "real" weapons before they entered the press room, but security looked pretty lax as this guy was able to chuck not one but a pair of footwear on stage. Luckily for the pres, Oddjob wasn't out there camouflaged with glasses, a notepad, and a cynical smirk or he would have suffered a flying hat to the jugular.

Finally, It's Here

Tomorrow folks. Tomorrow. Tomorrow my favorite film of '08 will be in my firm grasp. It's a longshot for Best Picture, but the fact that critics are even considering this blockbuster for a nomination says volumes.

If you haven't seen it yet, I feel sorry for you. The only way you missed this picture is if you were just rescued from avalanche asphyxiation by a St. Bernard carrying rum around his neck. When the hangover wears off read my review of the film, but, honestly, unless you are just bored at work and porn isn't an option because of those pesky filters, just go out and rent the movie tomorrow. You will not be disappointed.

Figured I'd Share Some of the Art I've been Working On

As a kid I drew all of the time drawing inspiration from the Looney Toons and Marvel and DC comics. Then, for some reason, as I got older I stopped drawing less and less until I stopped. However, recently I picked up the ole pencil again when I discovered rock posters. My folks got me this book called Art of Modern Rock two years ago for Christmas, which I highly recommenend as the artists are truly awe inspiring, and I started going from there attempting to duplicate pieces from some of the posters I liked the best. I still have a long way to go but I figured I'd share of the pieces I've been working on anyway.

I would love any feedback and constructive critism that you have. It goes in the order of my most recent work to the first piece, which was done about a year and a half ago.

Recreated from a silkscreened rock poster for the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion by Methane Studios out of Atlanta for the Echo Lounge. I used pencil and blue, red, and green Sharpie markers.

Redrawn from a silkscreen poster for Scissorfight by Aesthetic Appartus out of Minneapolis, MN for the Triple Rock Social Club. I used pencil and a blue Sharpie marker.

This is based on a frame from Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns when the caped crusader kills The Joker. It was done with charcoal pencil.

This is based on an image of Death that I found online. I think drawing hands will forever baffle me. It was done with charcoal pencil.

I cannot quite remember what the inspiration for this was. I think it is based on an AC/DC album cover. It was done with pencil and charcoal pencil.

This is based on Art Sasse's iconic photo of Einstein during his birthday at Princeton. Saying it has some proportional issues would be generous, but it's recognizable at least. It was done with pencil and Sharpie markers.

Random Fodder: Barry McSteroid Backlash

Do Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens hang out on weekends now?

I noticed last night that Major League Baseball 2K8 for PS2 (no, I'm not cool. I don't have one of those new fangled video play machines yet) does not include the single season and all-time home run records in their list of all-time Major League Baseball records.

This game is extremely buggy at times and inaccurate (they claim Ken Griffey Jr. has the all-time stolen base record to name one example), but leaving out The Sultan of Steroids (Shrinking Testicles) cannot be a mere oversight. It's nice to see that the folks who made this game actually took a side in the Barry Bonds steroid/home run record controversy by choosing not to publish the category and record* at all. Is this "oversight" the same on the next gen versions?

It's too bad they didn't go a step further by including the home run categories and attributing the records to their true holders: Roger Maris and Hank Aaron.

If the Glove Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit: Legal Logic From the Lazy Boy Lawyer

Yesterday, the family of Jdimytai Damour, the man trampled to death at a Long Island Wal-Mart filed a wrongful-death lawsuit against the retail chain claiming store ads offering deep discounts "created an atmosphere of competition and anxiety" that led to "crowd craze," according to this story.

This legal argument sounds like something from the guy in the commercials between The People's Court and The Bold and the Beautiful, but it will still hold up. When something devastating happens society must find somebody to blame and because none of the mob will ever be held responsible, Wal-Mart, it looks like your it. I don't blame Damour's family for going after Wal-Mart for compensation because they deserve something for what happened. But c'mon, really, deals leading to crowd craze. I guess I need to watch out for all the 80 year old ladies with their fists full of coupons from the Sunday circular the next time I go to the grocery store. Nobody wants a 2 for 1 can of tuna to the side of the head.

Seriously though, who do we blame here? Which side is the correct one to take? Is picking one side really that easy or is there plenty of blame to go around? On the one hand, you have a greedy retailer providing door buster (literally in this case) prices, so they should expect a huge turnout and be ready for it, especially considering there are massive Black Friday crowds every year. On the other hand, the shoppers acted like unstoppable brain-hungry zombies, who actually tore the doors down on their way to trampling Damour.

Another point: Were any other people killed at the thousands of other Wal-Mart's in the country, which most likely provided the same level or lack of security, depending on your viewpoint. No. So, the question becomes: Was Wal-Mart lucky in the sense that only one person was killed because of their lackluster efforts, or was this an isolated incidental caused by the maniacal mob?

Also: Wal-Mart was not the only giant retailer offering incredible Black Friday deals. Was security much better at Target, Kohl's, K-Mart, and the other retail chains, or, again, was the tragedy at the Long Island Wal-Mart an isolated incident? Similarly, Black Friday has been going on for years so how come people haven't been dying at these sales events for years? Was security better in past years, or, again, was this an isolated incident?

While most of us have a negative view of Wal-Mart except when we're getting a 3 for 1 deal on Hot Pockets, is it fair that they will end up forking over millions because of the deplorable actions of a group of people, while those folks receive no consequences for their actions at all?

Here is my Swiftian suggestion: If retailers continue to have Black Friday in years to come, all shoppers should be tazered and wheelbarrowed into the stores so nobody's safety will be compromised. Sure, it will sting for a little while but after a few seconds they will return to normal and have no problem reaching for their wallets.

The Mob Needs Coal and Compassion Shoved Into Their Stockings

I still cannot get past what happened last week when a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob driven mad by Black Friday deals. I wish it was easy enough to blame Jdimytai Damour's death on a stint of insanity, but unfortunately it is just another example of people not giving a shit.

While we rage at the Mumbai massacre and terrorists and the hell they are putting this world through, a guy gets killed so people can be first in line at the $2 DVD bin. The senseless of it all.

In the preceding clip, and this story from the New York Times (more detailed than msn's piece I linked to before) a witness, Kimberly Cribbs of Queens, said many of the shoppers acted like "savages" and were upset because they had to leave the store after the man's death.

“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’ ” Ms. Cribbs told The Associated Press. “They kept shopping."

Wow, and I thought Christmas was supposed to be about compassion and love. I guess I'm just a naive idealist.

The only good to come out of this is that the pregnant woman didn't lose her baby and ended up being okay.

In the aftermath I have several thoughts on the matter:

1. When I originally heard this story I assumed it was an elderly greeter who was killed. No, apparently Damour was something like 6'5" 270 lbs. For me, that makes the story even more unbelievable.

2. Defending Wal-Mart makes me feel so dirty, and by no means do I applaud their treatment of employees, but it is too easy for our blame everybody else society to pin everything on the retail giant's lack of security and not on the mob's zombie-like hunger for deals. Granted, Black Friday is known for stampeding crowds and Wal-Mart could have provided more barricades, fences, and security, but Damour would still be alive if these shoppers had acted like human beings and not rabid wolves. I've got it! In the future tazer them all and wheelbarrow them in.

3. Similarly, the only punishment in this whole thing will be to Wal-Mart's purse as it will be forced to relinquish millions in a civil suit. Not one person from that mob will serve a second in jail or provide a minute of community service, even if their faces are visible on tape. The defense is too easy. "I was pushed." "I had no choice but to follow the wave." Sadly, Damour's family and friends will only receive corporate PR apologies and never anything sincere from the persons who actually did the deed. Yes, I just puked in a bucket too.

4. What will shopping the rest of the Christmas season be like? Do I need to don riot gear and a Kevlar vest as I peruse through close-out, bottom-line weekend discounts? Maybe I should do all of my shopping online this year to avoid any injury.

The True Meaning of Christmas: Knocking Someone Out for the Last $550 50" Plasma

"My preciouses. The Black Friday specials are all MINE!"

After celebrating all that we have to be thankful for yesterday, today, consumers flocked out in the wee hours of Black Friday to buy a bunch of crap they don't need at low, low prices. Every year there are news stories about the folks who participate in this capitalist endeavor, so those who don't can marvel at the insanity people will go through to save money during the holiday season.

To be fair, especially considering my current financial straits, I understand the need to save a few bucks, but is the Mad Max mentality really necessary?

I participated one year, mainly just to witness the chaos that I had heard so much about. For those of you who haven't, it is amazing. If you want to see people at their worst, or what will happen when all the food, oil, and water runs out, this is the place to be. On a similar note, this story illustrates how sad things have gotten.

According to the linked story, in their anxiousness to get inside a Long Island Wal-Mart, shoppers trampled and killed a Wal-Mart employee. Also, according to the story, "Unconfirmed reports said a pregnant woman also miscarried as the crowd rushed in."

Simply amazing. For those who don't want to read the entire piece, highlights include a Wal-Mart employee saying the mob took the doors off their hinges as he had to fight people off his back.

The paramedics arrived to help the pregnant woman only to tell her that it was too late. "The baby is gone."

According to shoppers, people continued to enter the store even after the paramedics worked on the deceased Wal-Mart employee and the pregnant woman.

I hope the mob enjoys their new plasmas and Little Johnny smiles when he opens up the game mom and pop had to rush in to grab so they could save 10 bucks. It truly is Black Friday.

Based on This, My Official Title is Car Squire

In my forever continuing search for a decent job which pays a decent wage in this town, I came across one of the funnier job titles that I have ever seen: sandwich artist. Apparently, this is the title for folks who make subs at Subway.

I had no idea that each individual sub I purchased was a unique piece of art. In the future, I will forgo eating my foot long turkey and cheese, and, instead, shellac it and display it next to my original Van Gogh for all to see.

I would have loved to witness the corporate meeting where they came up with this doozie. Any ideas what the job title is for the person who creates these superfluous job titles?

Happy Thanksgiving!

In a somewhat hilarious/macabre sense of irony, Palin plays Upton Sinclair giving us a glimpse into the horrors of how turkey reaches our plate....after she pardoned one lucky turkey only minutes earlier. Enjoy the following clip and be glad that Alaska is far away from Washington D.C.

In her defense, I have to question whether Palin had any clue this was going on behind her at the start of the interview, but, even after she acknowledges it, she continues rattling off information. It's hilarious how the guy in the background (worker or interview saboteur) just keeps putting turkeys down the shoot as he looks at the camera smiling and laughing.

I wonder how the reporter and camera crew decided that this was the best location on the entire farm for an interview. We all know the governor's answers, like most politicians, are scripted anyway so reshoot anybody?

Crazy Like a Fox or More Evidence of the Long Term Effects of Concussions

Sorry, Tom, it just isn't working out anymore. Cassel had one good year so you are obsolete. I hear the used car lot down the road is hiring.

Hall of Fame Quarterback Warren Moon is actually suggesting that the Patriots would be better off keeping Matt Cassel and trading Tom Brady. I think he got hit one time too many. The funniest thing about this statement is that there are some out there who actually agree with him.

It's ridiculous taking time to debate this statement considering how outlandish it is, but here it goes. Matt Cassel will be a pretty good NFL quarterback, but it's crazy to base one good season as fodder for trading one of the best quarterbacks ever, who by the way is still only 31. One good season, even if it compares to Brady's first campaign, does not make you the next Tom Brady.

In baseball, how many times have we seen a pitcher have a fantastic year, get the big bucks, and then never come close to duplicating that success ever again. I'm all for trading a player when his or her value is high because high draft picks are necessary to sustain a successful franchise, but Tom Brady is not just another quarterback.

Here is how the two each stacked up in their first true season.

Brady '01

86.5 passer rating
15 games
264 completions/413 attempts = 62.1 completion percentage
3,764 yards 18 TD/12 INT

Cassell '08 (so far)

90.5 passer rating
238 completions/359 attempts = 66.3 completion percentage
2,615 yards 13 TD/8 INT

Eerily similar but keep in mind:

1. Having Tom Brady stats for one year doesn't make you Tom Brady. Back in '01, nobody could have expected Tom Brady to become one of the best quarterbacks of all time. It is rare for rookie quarterbacks to succeed at the pro level, let alone become top tier Hall of Famers. Simply, lightning doesn't usually strike twice.

2. Tom Brady is not Drew Bledsoe. While Bledsoe was an above average quarterback he never possessed the skill set and leadership ability of Brady. Plus, Brady can actually move a little bit while Bledsoe needed a Rascal to get around. There's no way anybody can compare Brady replacing Bledsoe to Cassel replacing Brady.

3. Cassel has the likes of Randy Moss and Wes Welker to throw to. In '01, Brady had Troy Brown, David Patten, and Terry Glenn. Enough said.

4. Most importantly, if Brady leaves so does Gisele. That fact alone should be enough to keep him around.

I'm a Boy

I was reading one of my favorite blogs and came across the Gender Analyzer. According to it, there is a 59 percent chance that my blog is written by a man, although "it's quite gender neutral."

Whoop, whoop, my masculinity is confirmed.

Book Review: Matt Reilly: "The Demolition Man" of Novels - Critically Terrible but Great for What They Are

Fuck you Simon Phoenix.! "You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute." Fuck you stupid machine! How do I use these sea shells?

Ice Station by Matthew Reilly, 513 pp. 2.5-5

Temple by Matthew Reilly, 508 pp. 2.5-5

Area 7 by Matthew Reilly, 483 pp. 2.5-5

In a perfect world Sly Stallone and Aaaaanold would be putting out their 90’s style action extravaganzas for years to come, but, alas, minus “Rambo”, Old Man Time and governating have taken these thespians from us. However, Australian author Matthew Reilly and his monster truck to the face military action thrillers have enough explosive power to generate the jigowatts necessary to turn back the clock and get these gents out of retirement. But, if they aren’t willing, I’m sure Dolph Lundgren and Sasha Mitchell are kicking around somewhere.

Reilly’s novels are the bad action movies that we all love on paper without Steven Seagal’s ponytail. Similarly, both are centered around crude writing, one-dimensional character clichés and the outlandish becoming reality. But what both do to perfection is entertain. They are fun, edge of your seat thrill rides without the safety bar, and they make no apologies for it.

This is what makes reviewing Matt Reilly novels so tough. It’s like convincing your hot, intelligent friend to go out with your loveable but schlubish roommate.

“He’s great, trust me. He’s been one of my best friends for years.”

“Hmm…what does he look like.”

“….Umm. I guess you could say he has striking features and any Hawaiian would be envious of his wardrobe. Plus, he has a great personality.”

Enough said. Your roommate isn’t going anywhere but to his room to play World of Warcraft and delete his history folder.

The same scenario goes for Matthew Reilly books. On the surface they seem terrible, but they are as addictive as the queso crunchwrap. As stated above, Reilly does a lot of things badly, but he is an action master making 400 plus pages of heart pounding chases and last second escapes come alive. He is also terrific at making military

jargon make sense without taking readers out of the moment.

Because Reilly’s books are all so similar in style this review isn’t going solo but instead turning into an orgy featuring his first three published works, white tube socks left on of course.

In Ice Station, Reilly’s first published work and the best of the three, readers are introduced to USMC Lieutenant Shane Schofield, a fixture in most of the author’s novels. Known as Scarecrow because of the grotesque vertical scars covering both eyes, he is the typical “I’m just doing my job” hero with a heart who always saves the day. On this day, he and his recon team respond to an ice station’s distress signal bu

t all is not what it seems as they are forced to protect the station from rival nations hoping to gain control of it and the secret that lies below. The highlights in this novel include a thrilling 60 plus page chase scene across a glacier, and, of course, the outrageous as several characters lose their lives to demonic orca whales.

Area 7, Reilly’s third published work and first sequel, again traces the path of Lt. Schofield and a few members of his former Recon team, who, now working presidential protection detail, must protect the Commander-in-Chief from a rouge general and his minions. Add in the Sinovirus, a disease created by the Chinese to kill everybody on Earth except the Chinese, and this is quite a meaty disaster stew. Of course, nobody counted on Schofield and his Marines being around so you can guess how things end, but highlights here include a space shuttle battle and hungry Komodo Dragons. Watch your toes!

Temple, Reilly’s second published novel, does not feature the Marine Lieutenant for those of you Schofielded out. It instead focuses on reluctant hero professor William Race, whom is along for the ride as the Army, Navy, Nazis and the Texan Republican Army all converge in search of an ancient Incan idol containing material that has the potential to destroy the entire world. Of the three, Temple is the most outlandish as it features caimans, giant black panthers, and caimans fighting giant black panthers. Also, the last scene is a bit much as Race is about to meet his doom in a tank plunging to the ground when, miraculously, the “weird looking vest” he was wearing turns into a jet pack. Apparently, the pack is intelligent and automatically turns on when its wearer is but mere feet from the ground. Pheww, it’s enough to make my armpits sweaty.

I recommend Reilly books to readers who want an action packed adventure that is easily finished in a few days. His military thrillers are a great addition to any long trip because they will keep the boredom at bay.

Behold! The Best and Worst Christmas Movies of all Time

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

As I headed towards a cash register at Wal-Mart the other day I was perplexed when I heard what sounded like Christmas music over the loudspeaker…...more than two weeks before Thanksgiving. Growing up, my mom always had a rule that the Christmas stuff couldn’t go up until the day after Thanksgiving, which often meant my pop, brother, and me were forced to battle the abominable snowman putting up Christmas lights. Oh well, I guess. Sorry, mom.

In their pursuit for the all mighty dollar, retailers are making Christmas come earlier and earlier every year, so we procrastinators will be tricked into handing over our hard earned clams sooner and sooner. In five years, we’ll probably be singing “Deck the Halls” as we carve jack-o-lanterns. Seeing that like small mom and pop businesses I cannot fight the power of Wal-Mart, and honestly I’m too lazy right now to try, I’ll succumb to their whims and provide you with my list of the best and worst Christmas movies of all time…two weeks before Thanksgiving.

Trust this list. Use it. It will save you hours of frustration that you can tap into when you say screw the 10,000 piece erector set your nephew’s new bike turned into and bring out the duct tape, or when you’re fighting for packs of white tube socks and stale fruitcake with the other slackers Christmas Eve.

THE BEST

1. A Christmas Story (1983) – There is a reason this movie is shown for 24 straight hours every holiday season. It is the best Christmas movie of all time. No other movie on this list has this honor and no other Christmas movie ever will. This movie perfectly captures what it is like during Christmas for both young and old--the joy, the anticipation and the frustration. No other Christmas movie has as many memorable references as this film. Everybody knows what “You’ll shoot your eye out” and “FRA-GEE-LAY” refers to. As far as “A Christmas Story” is concerned, every other movie can stick their tongues to a pole.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - The genius it took to adapt this Dr. Seuss book into movie magic rivals only the mind behind the spork. Everything was done perfectly from the Grinch’s devilish grin to hiring horror icon Boris Karloff to provide the narration. While Lindsay Lohan can’t get away with forgetting her underwear, the Grinch can because, one, he’s the Grinch, and he doesn’t care what you think unless you reside in Whoville, and two, because he is a timeless classic that we’ll all be enjoying 50 years from now. I can’t say the same for “I Know Who Killed Me.”

3. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – This is the Babe Ruth of Christmas movies minus the hot dogs and debauchery. The question is why doesn’t this movie belong in spot one or two? Simply put, at times, it’s depressing. Yes, I know, it perfectly illustrates the true meaning of Christmas, but who wants to sit down with a mug of hot chocolate next to the chestnuts roasting over an open fire and watch some depressed guy come an angel away from killing himself? While Clarence may be second only to Al from “Angels in the Outfield” when it comes to the best movie angels, and I know we’ve all been in George Bailey’s shoes, I would much rather watch Ralphie beat up Scut Farkus.

4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) – In this 3rd installment of National Lampoon’s vacation series the Griswolds’ stay home and are forced to deal with their crazy relatives and a maniac squirrel. Chevy Chase, the number one person on my “What Happened to That Guy” list, will keep you peeing in your pants long after your great-uncle Milo has finished telling anecdotes and passed out from drinking too much eggnog.

5. Home Alone (1990) – This movie is every kid’s dream and every parent’s nightmare. While the sequel with “the bird lady” in New York is hilarious, the original is the best. Kevin McCallister is every kid’s hero because he escaped from the Neverland Ranch, and because, while he missed his family, he proved he’s better off without them. Adoption papers are already in the mail to “the guy with the shovel” and “the bird lady.”

HONORABLE MENTION

1. Miracle on 34th Street (1947) – I haven’t seen this movie but my girlfriend says it belongs on this list. Seeing how I do everything she commands for risk of reprisal it is here. Please don’t hurt me!
2. A Christmas Carol (1984 TV) – George C. Scott plays the quintessential Ebenezer Scrooge in this made for television movie classic.
4. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) – I’m not sure if this is a Halloween or Christmas movie; but, either way, Tim Burton’s gothic tale turns Christmas upside down and captures the essence of what the holiday season is truly about.

THE WORST

1. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) – Like the “Godfather” trilogy, this third installment is by far the worst in the, what is already terrible enough, “Santa Clause” series. The first movie in the threesome was decent, but the trilogy snowballed downhill until this movie smashed into the ski lodge ruining everybody’s hot cocoa drinking fun. These movies leave me wondering what seedy lawyer created the document that is the “santa clause” because there seems to be a lot of fine print. If there is a sequel it better be straight to DVD and it should be titled “The Santa Clause 4: If the Glove Doesn’t Fit you Must Acquit.” In this film Scott Calvin would hire the best elf defense lawyer ginger snaps and candy canes could buy and finally save himself and us from the misery that is this series of movies. In the end, Calvin would channel Steven Spielberg’s ex-wife, prove the clause was written on a napkin, and reap the multi-million dollar reward.

2. Jingle All the Way (1996) – The movie Predator featured two future political studs: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura. My only hope is the same doesn’t go for this Arnold film. Although Sinbad proved in “First Kid” he could bring more comic flair to the White House then Clinton and Bush combined, he and this film belong in the $1 DVD bin. Not even the late Phil Hartman could save this film from disaster.

3. Christmas With the Kranks (2004) – Tim Allen must be the modern day Ebenezer Scrooge because he doesn’t seem to care how much he fouls up Christmas for others as long as he makes a buck. This film makes me think of that awkward encounter with your attractive aunt by marriage under the mistletoe. Like that situation, when it comes to Christmas With the Kranks, just play it safe; walk away no matter how much eggnog you’ve had and no matter how much the coast is clear. It’s not worth the decades of awkwardness and regret.

4. The Polar Express (2004) – This movie makes the worst list mainly because of the creepy look the characters have in this live action/animated feature. Long before the high-class performance capture effects of movies like “Beowulf,” the performance capture technology used in this flick is eerie at best. Somehow they managed to turn loveable guy next door Tom Hanks into five different soulless, plastic cyborgs hungry for your brain. Normally, I would be more forgiving because the movie’s plot isn’t so bad, but the book of the same name that the film is based on is beautifully illustrated. It’s like starting with Giselle Bundchen and ending up with Dorothy from the Golden Girls

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) – Musically, I despise bad covers and covers of artists that should be untouchable. It is for this reason above anything else that this movie is on the list. Re-doing the Grinch, no matter how noble the reasoning, is like attempting to cover Zeppelin or Dylan. It just shouldn’t be done. Hendrix made magic with “All Along the Watchtower” covering the latter, but director Ron Howard, while talented, definitely did not channel the guitar god in his version. At least they made this film live action and not animated, or that would have been a crime worse than Jim Carrey’s thriller “The Number 23.”
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DISHONORABLE MENTION

1. Surviving Christmas (2004) – Has there ever been an actor more hit or miss than Ben Affleck? He’s just lucky “Reindeer Games” doesn’t show up here as well.
2. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988) – This movie, along with all of the Ernest movies, were great – when I was six. For arguments sake the best Ernest film was “Ernest Goes to Camp.”

Nintendo Power!

He will break you.

Saturday, after Chrissty and I gorged ourselves on Sonny's breakfast buffet, she had the ingenious idea to check out the Lake Park Flea Market. I highly recommend checking it out as we found a ton of great stuff, including a shop that buys and sells used video games. My inner seven year old laughed with delight as the store featured original Nintendo and Super Nintendo games among its wares.

I gazed at the numerous titles and salivated when my view happened upon Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, the best boxing game ever created. At $17.99 it was a more than I wanted to spend, so we headed home to pick up some games I had not played in a while and traded them in. Being used to the Scrooge-like corporate video game retailers who toss out a few pennies for your trouble, I expected very little value for my games. However, shockingly, the guy running the store gave me $25. We purchased Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, Tetris, A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia, and another NES controller. Unfortunately, when we got home we found out the down arrow doesn't work. CURSES!

The thing about playing old games that I find so fascinating is how much I still remember from when I was a kid. For example, I still remember how to get half the star punches in Punch-Out. Was I just smarter back then, or am I really going through early Alzheimer's in my present state? I'm not surprised when people say it is easier for young kids to learn foreign languages then their adult counterparts. My once endless sponge of a brain now feels saturated.

So, I spent pretty much half of my Saturday afternoon playing as Little Mac against Nintendo's fearsome lineup of contenders. I still have not reached Tyson, but, hopefully, I will fare better than Boston's own Peter McNelly.

We will return next week for Metroid. Hopefully he has Paperboy and Ninja Gaiden II by then too.

Wow, It Actually Happened

Of course Obama winning is awesome, but how cool was CNN's use of hologram technology?

For the final analysis of the '08 election I turn to Kool and the Gang.

Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)
Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)

There's a party goin' on right here
A celebration to last throughout the years
So bring your good times, and your laughter too
We gonna celebrate your party with you

Come on now

Celebration
Let's all celebrate and have a good time
Celebration
We gonna celebrate and have a good time

It's time to come together
It's up to you, what's your pleasure

Everyone around the world
Come on!

Yahoo! It's a celebration
Yahoo!

Thank you, Kool and the Gang, for your insightful remarks.

Last night I received my LEGO Robin Hood Adventure Set. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote about going to bed and waking up to the election results like Christmas morning. Of course I stayed up. Of course I saw the results at 11 p.m. when Blitzer, in all of his white-bearded glory, called the election for Obama. The sights at Grant Park and the accompanying celebrations across the country and the world were amazing. It looked like the end of Return of the Jedi. Prince would say people were partying like it was 1999. In a sense it was a New Year's Eve party. It was a celebration of a new beginning.

Obama's speech last night was so fitting, so eloquent. He amazes me every time he gets behind a podium because he always delivers something awe inspiring when the country needs it most. Some people say there's more to being pres than speaking well. I agree, but, at the same time, isn't part of the President's job description to be the ultimate salesperson?

I wanted a speech about unity and he delivered something that just blew my mind. He didn't holler and rally his followers. Instead, he spoke like the president that we need. He said WE still have a lot of work to do, that WE are all in this together, that it will take a tremendous amount of time and work but WE will get there. The speech was about all of us as a whole and never just about him. He spoke to the folks who voted for McCain and told them I will win your support. For once I don't feel completely cynical towards politics. I feel inspired.

McCain was so gracious with his concession speech. It reminded me of the candidate he was back in 2000. He is a true American hero and patriot.

I still don't think I have fully grasped how truly historic this is.

I'm glad Obama won by more than 7 million votes. We wouldn't have survived another 2000 or 2004.

He's not perfect. He said so himself. He will make mistakes. Even JFK had his Bay of Pigs. To cynics, I ask that you just give the guy a shot. If he doesn't deliver on his message then by all means throw tomatoes.

I want to thank David Gergen and John King for providing such unbiased, insightful election coverage. I will miss the magic map but I look forward to CNN's continued use of hologram technology. Beam me up Blitzer!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow? or Thoughts on Election Day '08

Election Day. The last eight years will soon be over. No matter whom you prefer, if there is any justice in the world, either guy has to do better job then Bush. Whatever the outcome, in a little more than a month, Bush will be sitting in the oval office, packing picture frames, a novelty decision making dart board, and other office regalia into cardboard boxes. I wonder what he'll be thinking. I think he's relieved. I think when the economic crises happened, he thought "C'mon you couldn't have waited six months." Then he probably thought, well they can't think any worse of me. I wonder what his conversations at night in bed with Laura are like. I wonder if he regrets running for president and wishes he still owned the Texas Rangers. The eight years have definitely taken a toll. His face and hair tell the story of our collective suffering. The ranch has never looked better.

My parents have always been staunch anti-voters, repeatedly arguing that their vote doesn't matter and me responding it's a good thing everybody else doesn't feel that way. I cannot blame them though. 2000 and 2004 are great examples; Elections that close gave us a window into our Democratic dream world. When every single vote actually mattered, we saw how many fell through the cracks and how the presidential election is not a battle between voters but a battle between the lawyers representing each side. I hope Hanging Chad doesn't return this time. For the first time in their lives, my parents are voting. They know what is at stake. They illustrate how important this election is in the minds of the masses. Democrat or Republican, collectively we all know things should be better and people are going out to the polls like never before.

Change. That is what everybody wants. The question is, who will actually deliver it? Obama has championed change from the beginning and McCain grasped on to it a few months ago when he saw the life boat inching away. I have always been vehemently cynical towards politicians. I know Obama won't be able to deliver on all of his proposals, but if half actually jump out of the fairy tale book things will be looking up. I like how he actually holds all of us accountable and expects us to contribute. I hope he actually strive for bi-partisianship because that is what this melting pot of people really needs. I hope he takes a lesson from the last president and actually invites the brightest minds to be a part of his cabinet, regardless of party lines. Something is going on this time around. You can feel it as you stand in line at the polls.

Either way, the end results of the presidential election will be historic. We'll either have the first African-American, the oldest president ever, or the first woman vice. This election will prove that anybody really can become president, although despite your age, race, or sex you will still need millions of dollars to do it. So as long as you're not poor, you'll actually have a shot.

I hope everybody who said they would vote actually does so for once. I'm concerned about what might happen if the overwhelmingly pro-Obama polls turn out wrong. People are so passionate this time around; I don't think they'll shrug and go back to watching CSI and eating Cheetos like in 2000 if there is even a whiff of foul play. I hope Diebold does not decide things. Every election seems like the latest Terminator installment with the machines looking to take over.

Tonight we will go to bed full of nervous anticipation. Some will try to stay up and actually catch a glimpse of the results. Some may leave out cookies and milk hoping to sway the results their way. In the morning, we will wake up and run downstairs and click on our preferred news outlet, either grinning in triumph or howling in disdain. Some will get their LEGO Robin Hood Adventure Set and other will get dirty coal. To the victors, congrats. I hope your guy does all the good he promised to do, and for the losers, at least the last eight years are over. The next guy, even if you did not vote for him, cannot do any worse, right?

I'm not a member of Obamamania screaming and crying at the next pres like a Bon Jovi groupie, but I hope he makes it.

Image taken from obeygiant.com

SMILE! It's Halloween '08

Not too shabby for 25 bucks

After very little convincing from Jessica and a visiting Sarah, Chrissty and I decided it would be much more fun to actually dress up and go out Halloween night instead of waiting until Saturday. Originally, over a month ago, we had planned on going as Mario and Princess, but who has the money for a frilly dress, overalls, and a plunger?

I am notoriously bad about waiting until the last minute to come up with a costume. I find this funny considering Halloween is my second favorite holiday with Christmas being my first. If Halloween had catchy songs it would probably be a tie.

Friday afternoon I had a revelation about the cheapness of face paint, so I decided to dress up as The Joker. I loved The Dark Knight and figured I could come up with something pretty creepy in the few hours I had after work before we would head out. I raced to the Halloween store in the mall and bought a bunch of stuff: a pack of face paint and other assorted items for only $7 on sale, an additional pack of white paint for $2, green hair spray for $4, a latex gash for the sides of my mouth for around $6, and glue for about $5.
I wanted scars but I guess they were out. I was concerned that the gashes would be way too large, but after I cut the gash in half and sized the pieces down a bit with scissors, it worked out pretty well. I already had the shirt and tie and green 70's polyester suit jacket from a past St. Patty's Day. After Chrissty got off work, she put together an 80's outfit and we were off for a thrillerific time at O'Corleys. We ran into Jessica and Sarah in the parking lot. Jessica was dressed as Lady Luck and Sarah was dressed as Lady Liberty.

The Joker wasn't very original, so I was happy when I saw only two others at O'Corley's, where we spent the majority of the night, and none at Jak's Library, when we eventually ended up there. This was the first Halloween that I have received compliments on my costume (along with freaked out looks), so I thought I had a decent chance of placing in the costume contest. I didn't, but the night was still great fun. In fact, it was one of the better bar nights I have had in a long time. We ran into a few friends and made some new ones. It reminded me of old times at the bar before friends graduated and moved away and were replaced by young strangers.

O'Corley's costume contest was pretty weak though. I'm not bitter that I didn't win because there were so many terrific costumes. They just did it in kind of a passing way where they pretty much just threw gift cards at people. I still cannot tell you who won in the "Best Costume" category. Jak's Library approached theirs better allowing the audience to pick the winner, although the winners are usually just the people with the biggest posse. On a completely random note, I don't know the name of the band that was playing at Jak's but Renyi was excellent on the sax.

Good times with good friends. Until next Halloween. I'm thinking I'll be Alex from A Clockwork Orange.

DEATHRAYS: Killer of the '08 Red Sox Season or They're Still Devils to Me

As a Red Sox fan it would be wrong for me to blame '08 on the baseball gods seeing how we won the big one in '04 and again in '07, but I feel cheated. At midnight on the 16th the Sox were shutout 7-0 with two outs in the seventh inning. They looked doomed, fit to spend the off-season wondering what happenend in the ALCS, left to ponder how they, a 95 win team, could look like something out of Williamsport. Admittedly, even after the miraculous comebacks in '04 and '07, I gave up. As I laid in bed ready to pack in the '08 season, I casually watched the game flipping back to it every 10 minutes or so when, lo and behold, something out of this world. First a Pedoria RBI, then a dormant Big Papi erupting with a 3 run shot.

"Holy shit, it's a three run game!" I screamed.

Then Pap shut the young Rays' bats down. Bay walks. J.D. homers. Two more runs on, 7-6. You have got to be kidding me! Then, Kotsay doubles over Upton's head, the guy who previously looked like he had a teleporter out there because he grabbed everything in sight. Then the at bat to end all at bats, the unforgettable moment that made him a true Sox after two years of injuries and mediocrity, Coco hits the RBI single. Tie ball game.

Enter Masterson against their healthy Big Papi, the clutch Carlos Pena, which sent shivers down my spine. Double Play. No way! Then Youk goes to 2nd after a Longoria throwing error and J.D. comes through again with a ground rule double over Gabe Gross's head. Ball Game. Sox win! Sox win! Sox win! If the moon was made out of barbeque spareribs I would eat it.

Long story short, after all of that, after somehow winning game 5 and then game 6, how, how in the world could we lose game 7? It was ours. Fate's team seemed destined again to somehow overcome the odds, but, alas, it wasn't so. Certainly became cruel disbelief when Iwamura stepped on the second base bag. That was it. Fate had a new favorite now.

"Fuck," I murmured.

"Fuck," Chrissty's step-dad, Dana, echoed.

Him off to bed. Me back to my house to wallow in the post game show. That was it. See you in 2009.

I wish I could just be okay with what happened. I've said this all along: if you are not a fan of the Red Sox you should be rooting for the Rays to win it all. What they've done all season long is amazing. Last to first. Laughingstocks to future dynasty. Nobody expected it.

It's easy for me to say that to others but Red Sox Nation knows how I feel. I'm bitter. I see missed opportunities around every corner: Francona keeping Beckett in Game 2, even after Grady Little watching at home knew he was done, and Kotsay and Tek stranding about 100 runners in scoring position, just to name two examples. I wanted to pat the Rays on the back and say great job, no one expected you to make it this far, as WE hoisted the trophy. Is it selfishness or is it just vehement fandom that makes me, us, this way?

"You guys have two, let the Rays have one, especially after all they've done," Chrissty said trying to console me.

There is no consoling though. I love her for trying, but she doesn't understand. We're done. I'll watch the Series and root for the Rays to finish their storybook season with a happy ending, but I'll loathe every minute of it thinking Youk would have hit that or Pedoria would have gotten to that ball.
They'll say the silver lining is that the Sox put up a fight, that they did not go gentle into that good night, that they did not go out playing like beer bellied amateurs in an over 40 softball league. On that Thursday night, the ALCS turned from one of the more embarrassing moments in Sox history into one of the better and most competitive series that I have ever seen. In a series that goes the full seven, I'd like to believe the winner is truly the better of the two teams, but after the Pedro/Grady incident in '03, it's hard to say that.

It truly was an amazing season topped off with a magical ALCS. Either team could have won this thing. In the end, it's disapointing, but the Rays are doing something special. They're good for baseball. When A-Mac and I ventured down to the Trop to watch the Sox and Rays over the past few years we marveled at how good Tampa could be, at how with some above average pitching and quality veteran leadership they could be a force in the AL East. Well, this year they did it. They're proving that free agents and payroll aren't everything, that guts, fundamentals, chemistry, scouting, farm system and heart can push you through to October. They, like teams such as the Twins and Marlins, are showing that the gap between small and big market teams is much smaller than previously thought. They are making the unconventional conventional. For that I have to tip my hat and say "beat the hell out of the Phillies," as I murmur, "we'll get you bastards next year."

Photos taken from imdb.com, si.com, and espn.com