What a Year

2008 was quite a year, a mixed bag if you will. Where there was the election of the indestructible Obama (up, up, and away) there was Blagojevich and Spitzer. Movies like “The Dark Knight” and “Wall-E” were worth every Benjamin spent on tickets and popcorn while films like “The Happening” and “The Love Guru” incited rioting in the streets.

Musically, Axl Rose finally gave us “Chinese Democracy” after 13 years, Rihanna went “Thriller” with 2007’s “Good Girl Gone Bad” as almost every track became a single making the album relevant in 2008, Britney Spears got her sexy back allowing guys who live in their parents’ basement to cancel their porn subscriptions, and Vanilla Ice released an album featuring “Ice Ice Baby” remixes and covers of classic 90’s rap hits. The album is like a harder version of Robert Goulet’s “The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s a Rap!”

As far as politics go, 50 percent of California’s gay community won’t be getting divorced because of proposition eight, the presidential election made Alaska relevant for 15 minutes, terrorists are still acting like a playground bully, pirates are swashbuckling on speed boats sans eyepatches and peg legs, our economy is in the tank, and China will probably control the world by 2050.

In the sports world, the other Manning foiled the Patriots perfect season, Floridians actually watched baseball because of the Rays, Big Brown didn't live up to the hype causing many broken thumbs and a shortage of rope, handsaws, and plastic sheets, hockey still isn’t on a TV channel I get for free, and Plaxico Burress brought an unregistered gun into a night club…loaded…and shot himself in the foot.

And the most shocking news of all…Clay Aiken is gay.

What a crazy year, and that’s not even it. Enjoy the following list of the best and worst moments of 2008.

The Worst Moments of 2008

The Mumbai Massacre - Some terrorists once again decided to ruin everybody’s fun and commit another act of douchebaggery. I’m not going to get into a discussion on ideology, revenge, or other reasons why these rat bastards continue to commit these acts. I agree, there are lots of things f#$%&# up in the world but killing people is not helping you make any new friends. In the movie “Demolition Man” the terrorists ransacking the Taco Bell’s actually had a worthy cause. You are just assholes.

The Next Bailout Should be for my Student Loans – The economy is terrible, so what do the fat cats in Washington decide to do? Throw money at the problem. I guess they figure the same approach works whenever a DUI or dead hooker shows up so apply the same solution in this case. First, the banks got billions.Then the auto industry got some. Now the retail industry is clamoring because people aren’t maxing out their credit cards anymore in pursuit of crap they don’t really need. I’m not an economist so don’t ask me if the bailouts will actually work or not. Really, I don’t think the “experts” even know. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that these industries wouldn’t let many of us near a loan or a car unless we agreed to pay a ridiculous interest rate (hmm…maybe that’s one reason why we’re in this mess to begin with), and now they want to borrow money from our moth infested pockets. If the retailers somehow get a bailout then shoplifting should be made legal for one day so we can get some return on our “investment.” Look out Best Buy, here I come.

Who Wouldn’t Kill for a Nintendo Wii? Do You Know How Hard They Are to Find, Geesh! – Some folks in Long Island showed us their version of the meaning of Christmas when they trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death because of their zombieish hunger for heavily discounted items. Next year, so everybody has a chance, I say get the poor employees making minimum wage out of the way and have the shoppers fight for their prized items in a Roman style gladiator match. The last people standing will rejoice knowing they won and that little Timmy won’t throw a temper tantrum Christmas morning. The losers still alive will have to live with the shame that they let their families down, but they’ll have a great story to tell. Sorry, Bobby, at least Daddy still has all of his limbs.

High School Health Class Just Got a Little More Interesting - The man who gave birth did not make my worst list because I have something against transgendered folks. You’re adults so do what you want, except your “Crying Game” trickery makes the push up bra a welcome surprise. The guy who gave birth makes this list because now women everywhere actually have some weight behind their complaints that men should have to bear childbirth so we understand the pain. Forget that a pebble could barely squeeze through our pee holes, the doctors would have to rip that sucker straight out. Think of Kuato from Total Recall.

Democratic Republic: The Right to Vote for the Best Hypocrite - While 2008 gave us the election of Barack Obama, a guy whose trustworthiness causes shivering orgasms, the year also brought us the likes of Governor Rod Blagojevich, Governor Elliot Spitzer, and Senator John Edwards. All three candidates ran on high moral platforms and all managed to show us once again that you can never trust a politician. These men did do some good with their scandals, however. Blagojevich showed that Lego Men can achieve greatness in the human world, Spitzer’s main lady Ashley Dupree got her music heard because of her 15 minutes of fame (I think her single “Pearl Necklace” was number one on Itunes for a week), and Edwards, well, I cannot say the same for him. The guy cheated on his cancer ridden wife. Bastard move. And Sen. Larry Craig still hasn’t resigned. Way to go, Wide Stance!

The Best Moments of 2008

Obama Almighty (Hopefully not Another Crappy Bruce Almighty Sequel) – The 2008 election gave us two things: an inspirational leader who wants to unite our split country and an Obama commemorative plate to add to our already vast collection of fine china. He’s going right next to Elvis and the porcelain rooster napkin holder. Sure many of us believed a tin of SPAM would be an improvement of Dubya, but this guy actually seems like he’s going to get the job done. His name conjures up visions of Kennedy and Lincoln, and he hasn’t even served one day in office yet. Who-ahh! The election also showed how far we’ve progressed as the country elected an African-American to the highest office, and the 18-24 crowd stopped just saying they would vote and went to the polls finally. It was nice not having voting machines, lawyers, and the Supreme Court choose our president for once.

The Dark Knight (No, I’m not talking about Obama again) - Christopher Nolan’s sequel to “Batman Begins” was the best movie of the year, the best movie of the decade, and maybe even the best movie of all time. The fact that many snooty critics are considering the action-blockbuster for a best picture nomination speaks volumes. The late Heath Ledger has already picked up numerous Best Supporting Actor awards and is a shoo in for the Oscar in the same category. He personified the Joker, and future Batman films will suffer because they won’t be able to live up to the bar that he set. So, yeah, it was a great movie. Hopefully you didn’t waste your money on “The Happening.”

Flipper, Flipper, Faster Than Lightning – Michael Phelps looked like a dolphin competing against men as he decimated the competition in Beijing. Jason Lezak came a nanonsecond away from beating Aquaman, but not even he or China’s air quality (luckily Phelps had to hold his breath most of the time) could thwart the swimmer’s record breaking eight Olympic gold medals. Now the guy is showing up everywhere with all the gold bling around his neck. Don’t let the fame get to your head. Facebook photos of you at strip clubs aren’t helping your cred with sponsors. You seem like a nice guy. You don’t want to end up like Pacman Jones, do you?

J.J. Abrams Just Likes to Torture Us – Enough with the questions man, we want answers! “Lost” season four brought us more questions, some answers, and hours of hair pulling. We learned a little bit because of future glimpses of the Oceanic Six, but the last half of the year we’ve been torturing ourselves trying to figure out why Locke is in the casket, where the island went, and if Jin is still alive. If “Lost” episodes were shown to terrorists every attack would be thwarted because they would give up all information in return for future episodes. We would get the last laugh though because there never are any answers. And everyone thinks waterboarding is cruel.

TV Evangelicals Have Been Right All Along – The Tampa Bay Rays removed “Devil” from their name, and, presto, they went from American League laughing stocks to American League pennant winners. The ball club proved that teams with lowly payrolls can be successful against richer franchises if they possess the right combination of youth, pitching, speed, scouting, power, chemistry, and veteran leadership. Having a ton of first round draft picks for the last decade helped a lot too. Even though the Phillies defeated them in five games to win the World Series, baseball fans will always remember 2008 as the year of the Rays. Although, Tampa’s fair weather fans will probably forget in two years, if the team doesn’t duplicate its success next year.