Baytree is filling up with solemn looking parents driving empty mini-vans home, and beamers driven by 17 year olds way too young to deserve them; therefore, another Fall Semester must be upon us where Valdosta is bombarded by the newest crop of deer in headlights looking Freshmen taking their next step towards the Real World (of course not the drunkin’ orgy in a hot tub, but the business casual, jeans on Friday, maybe drunkenly hook up with the new hire after happy hour deal). I was them once. I was you. I remember those anxious nervous feelings, eons ago, back in ’01: the excitement of new found freedom, the anxiousness of new surroundings, the fear of making new friends, the anticipation for the future.
As the old-timer that I am, I want to take the lessons I’ve learned and act as your Sherpa (
China sucks!) through the perilous mountain range that is the college experience. First, I applaud you for making it this far, but it isn’t all
Van Wilder, Animal House, Back to School and Saved by the Bell: The College Years as the American media would like you to believe. In fact, the stakes are against you; about half of all college students who start with the best intentions won’t graduate.
Of course the “experts” will give you their reasons for this, but it’s simple really: successfully completing college is about finding a balance, the yin
of studying and making the grades and the yang
of having fun and paying the rent. That’s it. For the most part, those who find the balance succeed, and those who don’t are yanked off the stage with a giant cane. So, to help you find that balance, here are my tips and suggestions for success.
1.
Graduate Past Your High School Relationship – This goes 10 fold if said person lives more than an hour away. Look, I know this sounds cruel, but stop getting all
Notebooky on me. Honestly, this should have been done long ago, but, now that you’re down here, the dawn of text messaging will make the confrontation much easier. I know you pledged your undying love to this other person, but, realistically, it cannot work. You both are at two different stages in your life. Eventually, you will resent this person and break-up three months later anyway because you’ll feel obligated to pack up your room and return to mom and dad’s every weekend
so you can spend nights eating pizza at your old hang outs and snuggling up to
Touched by an Angel reruns before the long journey back to Valdosta. This choice of lifestyle totally defeats the purpose of going to college and will only stunt your growth. If you two are meant to be, life will find a way to make it happen. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it!
2.
Form a Fellowship (Your Roommate Shouldn’t be Your Only Friend.) – I know you two have everything in common right now, but, as the college experience takes its toll, your straight-edge roomie will quickly turn into a smoking, rolling, techno vampire. It is vital that you make friends with as many people in your dorm as possible so you’ll have somebody to switch rooms with later. More importantly, your posse is your support system; they are the people you’ll laugh and cry with, and as Mystery might say, “Even the best pick-up artists need a wingman.”
3.
You’re a Citizen, Not a Tourist. Assimilation: It’s the Tops! (Followed by a Foreigner’s Awkward High-Five and Thumbs Up) –
Don’t lay your clothes out the night before the first day of school and become the Hawaiian shirt, Panama Jack hat, Velcro sandal wearing island visitor. While you may look smoking in your dress and heels or designer jeans and witty t-shirt, there is nothing sadder as VSU veterans will only snicker at you because it is obvious that you are a newbie and are trying way too hard to impress. For now, stick with gym shorts or sweats, a wrinkled t-shirt, flip flops and that “Oh, God am I really up at
9 a.m. look,” and learn from there.
4.
Older People Are More Than a Good Game of Bridge or Backgammon –Where would Luke Skywalker be without Yoda? Dead. He’d be dead and we’d all be screwed. Therefore, making friends with upperclassmen, people who can show you the ropes, will help you avoid many of the pitfalls that trap newcomers as your newfound friends will always be ready with sage advice. Also, you’ll need someone to buy you booze because your fake sucks; it may have worked back home, but there’s no way you’re going to pass for a 55-year-old Asian here.
5.
There’s More to Them Than Free Food – While it may be fun to play Halo all night with your dorm mates, you need to get out there and mingle with some actual living, breathing human beings. There are clubs and intramural sports abound on campus so take your passion and find others who enjoy it too, except if it solely involves a bar. If you find yourself skipping class at
10 a.m. to talk about “that damn war” with some Grizzly Adams looking guy named Shorty at the local pub, your passion and the club you have joined is called alcoholism.
6.
HAMMERTIME! Whoa, Whoa – Walk, skip, roll or do anything necessary other than drunkin’ driving to get to and back from your favorite watering hole. But if driving is the only way to the fine establishment on the other side of town, find a designated driver. Seriously, it’s not worth your life or somebody else’s. Plus, that kid who plays Dungeons and Dragons down the hall would love any excuse to get out of his room; unless, of course, you’re interrupting his late night web cam date when things are starting to get very interesting. A quick tip: When a door is locked, always knock.
7.
Ride the Rails: Hobo It!– There is no keeping up with the Joneses when you are in college. You are a student so you are supposed to be poor. Eat Ramen and drink Natty Light while occasionally splurging on the good stuff. Learn which restaurants and bars have the best specials on what days. Do not apply for a credit card “for emergencies” or take out a high interest private student loan for that 80 inch plasma to accent your room. While your loans may seem like free money now, you will have to pay them back with interest later and, sadly, a college degree, in this day and age, does not guarantee a high paying job. I’m starting to wonder if my $30,000 debt would have been better spent at the craps table throwing the bones.
8
If You Paid For a Clown You’d Expect More Than Cigarette Butts in Your Children’s Tears – Following up on tip #7, you more inquisitive types probably already noticed that your tuition includes a lot of other things besides classes like a rec center fee, an athletic fee, and a student activities fee. In a slightly underhanded way, you are paying so you can work out at the rec center, attend VSU sporting events, and participate in various student activities brought to you by the Campus Activities Board, even if you never had any intention of doing so. But, hey, if you’re already paying for these things, take advantage. The Rec Center is a great place to work out and master your peripherals with all of the hot ass to check out, CAB usually has finger lickin’ good BBQ’s at Palm’s Quad and if you’re stuck up UGA’s ass and aren’t aware, the Blazers are the DII National Champs so screw “Go Dawgs,” and take a Saturday morning walk down to Bazemore-Hyder.
9.
It’s 2008. S
houldn’t We Be Able to Teleport By Now? – In my experience, finding an available parking at space at VSU is like finding a politician who tells the truth. I know the powers at be probably told you during orientation that the parking decks will provide more than 2000 new spaces and solve VSU’s notorious parking problem, but, as a veteran who fought in The Great Parking Wars, I’m not optimistic. I hope I’m proved wrong, but there are a lot more of you now and these decks should have been built at least five years ago. I say save your money and find your own special spot somewhere off-campus. This is where making friends with upperclassmen (even sophomores) is important because they may make their driveways available to you…for a price, muahahahah!!! Sorry. But, if that ain’t happenin,’ there’s usually some parking at random apartment complexes near campus, College Street, Boone Drive and Williams Street. Most importantly, if you’re going to park illegally, park in a marked VSU staff or reserved space because your fine will usually only be $15, which is substantially less than the more than $50 the city will fine you for parking on a yellow curb.
10
The Real World Can Wait (I Love Money and The Entertainer are the Shiznit) – Don’t be one of those overachievers who takes summer classes to graduate early. Similarly, if you took AP classes in high school I pity you. College is not meant to be a piece of paper balled up and thrown at you on the way to a house in the suburbs. Slow down and take it all in. College is two fold; it is a place for learning and a place for growing. Years from now you’ll forget mostly everything that you learned in those core classes you were forced to take, but you’ll always have the memories, the crazy stories and the friends you made along the way.
Photos taken from actual CD and movie covers, IMDB.com, music.aol.com and city-date.com.
Article also published in Valdosta's entertainment magazine The Glass Onion. For those of you away from Titletown, I hope you enjoyed it here. 
Not too shabby for 25 bucks
I wanted scars but I guess they were out. I was concerned that the gashes would be way too large, but after I cut the gash in half and sized the pieces down a bit with scissors, it worked out pretty well. I already had the shirt and tie and green 70's polyester suit jacket from a past St. Patty's Day. After Chrissty got off work, she put together an 80's outfit and we were off for a thrillerific time at O'Corleys. We ran into Jessica and Sarah in the parking lot. Jessica was dressed as Lady Luck and Sarah was dressed as Lady Liberty.
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