The Freshman’s Guide to a Successful College Experience: 2nd Edition (Few Changes, More Pie Charts, Your Used 1st Edition is Now a $150 Paperweight)

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard : Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: I know, they're called doctors.

Baytree is filling up with solemn looking parents driving empty mini-vans home and coiffed 18 year olds, veins bulging, eyes wide, high on freedom uppers. Yes, another Fall Semester must be upon us where Valdosta is bombarded by the newest crop of deer in headlights looking freshmen taking their next step towards the Real World (of course not the drunkin’ orgy in a hot tub, but the business casual, jeans on Friday, maybe drunkenly hook up with the new hire after happy hour deal). I was them once. I was you. I remember those nervous feelings, eons ago, back in ’01: the excitement of new found freedom, the anxiousness of new surroundings, the fear of making new friends, the anticipation for the future.

As the old-timer that I am, I want to take the lessons I’ve learned and act as your Sherpa (China sucks!) through the perilous mountain range that is the college experience. First, I applaud you for making it this far, but it isn’t all Van Wilder, Animal House, Back to School and Saved by the Bell: The College Years as the American media would like you to believe. In fact, the stakes are against you; about half of all college students who start with the best intentions won’t graduate.

Of course the “experts” will give you their reasons for this, but it’s simple really:
successfully completing college is about finding a balance, the yin of studying and making the grades and the yang of having fun and paying the rent. That’s it. For the most part, those who find the balance succeed, and those who don’t are yanked off the stage with a giant cane. So, to help you find that balance, here are my tips and suggestions for success.

1. Graduate Past Your High School Relationship – This goes 10 fold if said person lives more than an hour away. Look, I know this sounds cruel, but stop getting all Notebooky on me. Honestly, this should have been done long ago, but, now that you’re down here, the dawn of text messaging will make the confrontation much easier. I know you pledged your undying love to this other person, but, realistically, it cannot work. You both are at two different stages in your life. Eventually, you will resent this person and break-up three months later anyway because you’ll feel obligated to pack up your room and return to mom and dad’s every weekend so you can spend nights eating pizza at your old hang outs and snuggling up to Maid in Manhattan before the long journey back to Valdosta. This choice of lifestyle totally defeats the purpose of going to college and will only stunt your growth. If you two are meant to be, life will find a way to make it happen. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it!

2. Form a Fellowship (Your Roommate Shouldn’t be Your Only Friend.) – I know you two have everything in common right now, but, as the college experience takes its toll, your straight-edge roomie will quickly turn into a smoking, rolling, techno vampire. It is vital that you make friends with as many people in your dorm as possible so you’ll have somebody to switch rooms with later. More importantly, your posse is your support system; they are the people you’ll laugh and cry with, and as Mystery might say, “Even the best pick-up artists need wingmen.”

3. You’re a Citizen, Not a Tourist. Assimilation: It’s the Tops! (Followed by a Foreigner’s Awkward High-Five and Thumbs Up) – Don’t lay your clothes out the night before the first day of school and become the Hawaiian shirt, Panama Jack hat, Velcro sandal wearing island visitor. While you may look smoking in your dress and heels or designer jeans and witty t-shirt, there is nothing sadder as VSU veterans will only snicker at you because it is obvious that you are a newbie and are trying way too hard to impress. For now, stick with gym shorts or sweats, a wrinkled Febreze soaked t-shirt and flip flops as you zombie it to class and learn from there.

4. Older People Are More Than a Good Game of Bridge or Backgammon –Where would Luke Skywalker be without Yoda? Dead. He’d be dead and we’d all be screwed. Therefore, making friends with upperclassmen, people who can show you the ropes, will help you avoid many of the pitfalls that trap newcomers as your newfound friends will always be ready with sage advice. Also, you’ll need someone to buy you booze because your fake sucks; it may have worked back home, but there’s no way you’re going to pass for a 25 year old Hawaiian organ donor here.

5. There’s More to Them Than Free Food – While it may be fun to play Halo all night with your dorm mates, you need to get out there and mingle with some actual living, breathing human beings. There are clubs and intramural sports abound on campus so take your passion and find others who enjoy it too, except if it solely involves a bar. If you find yourself skipping class at 9 a.m. to talk about “that damn war” with some Grizzly Adams looking guy named Shorty at the local pub, the club you have joined is called alcoholism.

6. Why Kill Trees When There’s Wikipedia? - College isn’t like high school where you borrow a textbook free of charge. Here you have to buy your books and your HOPE book allowance isn’t going to cut it. Thankfully, the prices on kidneys are sky rocketing in the Bangkok black market because, especially for you bio majors, you’ll need every penny you can muster. There is hope though because “required reading” does not necessarily mean that you will actually open your $200 textbook once during the semester. Professors are required to have reading material attached to their class. Some may use them, but many will actually tell you the first day that their “required reading” is only a study aid and no material from the text will be tested during exams. So, wait at least a week or two before you decide whether a textbook is worthy of purchase. If you don’t, at least you’ll have plenty of leather bound books to accent your apartment’s musk of rich mahogany because you’re kind of a big deal.

7. HAMMERTIME! Whoa, Whoa – Walk, skip, roll or do anything necessary other than drunkin’ driving to get to and back from your favorite watering hole. But if driving is the only way to the fine establishment on the other side of town, find a designated driver. Seriously, it’s not worth your life or somebody else's. Plus, that kid who plays World of Warcraft down the hall would love any excuse to get out of his room; unless, of course, you’re interrupting his late night web cam date when things are starting to get very interesting. A quick tip: When a door is shut, always knock.

8. Ride the Rails: Hobo It! – There is no keeping up with the Joneses when you are in college. You are a student so you are supposed to be poor. Eat Ramen and drink Natty Light while occasionally splurging on the good stuff. Learn which restaurants and bars have the best specials on what days. Do not apply for a credit card “for emergencies” or take out a high interest private student loan for that 80 inch plasma to accent your room. While your loans may seem like free money now, you will have to pay them back with interest later and, sadly, a college degree, in this day and age, does not guarantee a high paying job. I’m starting to wonder if my $30,000 debt would have been better spent at the craps table throwing the bones.

9 If You Paid For a Clown You’d Expect More Than Cigarette Butts in Your Children’s Tears – Following up on tip #7, you more inquisitive types probably already noticed that your tuition includes a lot of other things besides classes like a rec center fee, an athletic fee, and a student activities fee. In a slightly underhanded way, you are paying so you can work out at the rec center, attend VSU sporting events, and participate in various student activities brought to you by the Campus Activities Board, even if you never had any intention of doing so. But, hey, if you’re already paying for these things, take advantage. The Rec Center is a great place to work out and master your peripherals with all of the hot ass to check out, CAB usually has finger lickin’ good BBQ’s at Palm’s Quad and if you’re stuck up UGA’s ass (you weren't accepted, get over it) and aren’t aware, the Blazers have one of the best division two football programs nationwide so screw “Go Dawgs,” and take a Saturday stroll to Bazemore-Hyder.

10. It’s 2009. Shouldn’t We Be Able to Teleport By Now? – In my experience, finding an available parking at space at VSU is like finding a politician who tells the truth. Sure, there are parking decks now (a victory for the alumni who fought in The Great Parking Wars) but save your money for more important things like booze, and find your own special spot somewhere off-campus. This is where making friends with upperclassmen (even sophomores) is important because they may make their driveways available to you…for a price, muahahahah!!! Sorry. But, if that ain’t happenin,’ there’s usually some parking at random apartment complexes near campus on College Street, Boone Drive and Williams Street. Most importantly, if you’re going to park illegally, park in a marked VSU staff or reserved space because your fine will usually only be $15, which is substantially less than the more than $50 the city will fine you for parking on a yellow curb.

11. The Real World Can Wait (Puck, Get Your Nasty Finger Out of the Peanut Butter) – Don’t be one of those overachievers who takes summer classes to graduate early. Similarly, if you took AP classes in high school I pity you. College is not meant to be a piece of paper balled up and thrown at you on the way to 9 to 5 gray flannel suburbia. Slow down and take it all in. College is two fold; it is a place for learning and a place for growing. Years from now you’ll forget mostly everything that you learned in those core classes you were forced to take, but you’ll always have the memories, the crazy stories and the friends you made along the way.

Welcome to the Real World

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.

This is the dimension of trying to find one’s self and place while tap dancing like an organ-grinder’s chimp to avoid layoffs, licking return envelops for 80 years worth of student loan payments while leaning back in a papasan chair that perfectly accents your parents’ basement, and living it up on Washingtons Friday and Saturday nights and sleeping off the hangover on Sundays so you can start the whole 9 to 5 all over again Monday morn. It is an area which we call The Real World.

First, let me just say congrats to all of the folks who just graduated. Now, I hate to break it to you, but when you shook hands with the older guy who has something important to do with VSU and walked back to your seat, you crossed through a worm hole taking you from Academia into the Real World. Great Scott, Marty.

Here’s a paper bag. Just breathe into it. It’ll be okay. This dimension is a lot different than your former college life, but there still is a lot of fun to be had. For those of you who didn’t get off the Gravitron, there’s still grad school to spin around in. For others, there’s a cushy desk job lined up for you by your parents at Callahan Auto.

For the rest, many will tell you there’s years of weekly 40 hour cubicle living, settling for a career which has nothing to do with what you spent four to six years working towards, or lounging in three day old boxers and a Dorito stained wife beater searching Craig’s List for the perfect job you thought was waiting for you as soon as you threw your cap in the air.

Sure, the Real World can be a lot like this and it is full of toolbags as MTV illustrates, but neither of these has to be your life. Sure, you’ll have to sell out a little bit, but that’s better then being thrown in debtor’s prison and being shipped to Australia. So punch in, collect your check, and enjoy your passions when the whistle blows. Never stop searching for your perfect career, and never stop learning. Your local library will allow you to build on the $50,000 library card you’ve already started for free.

So, heed this advice and always remember, “Where you’re going, you don’t need roads.” If this doesn’t do it for you, and you’re still freaking out, hopefully the following wisdom will calm you down. If not, try a horse tranquilizer or start researching graduate schools.

Where There’s Kid, There’s Play – When the infamous rap duo wasn’t in the lab crafting timeless rhymes, they were enjoying not one or two, but three unforgettable house parties. The same should go for you. Don’t let work control your life. Put in the time and sweat, but always remember to have fun. For the best results, try combining the two. I’m sure you’ll have no problem convincing your boss that a House Party style dance off would be a good team building exercise.

Welfare: The Real World’s Excess Check – Many of you are used to a hefty check at the beginning of every semester to pay for life’s necessities: food, water, Louis Vuitton handbags and Jet Fuel. For those of you who don’t find a job and/or refuse to cut back, fear not as the government is here to help.

The checks and food stamps are supposed to go towards helping you live until you can get on you feet, but you’re smart. You’ll have no problem convincing the gov that the 60” Plasma you bought on sale was necessary because you plan on eating it. Paula Deen suggests sautéing plasma with some mushrooms and green peppers and accenting it with a dark ale, but I love it between two slices of Wonder bread, smothered in mayo, and topped with a slice of government cheese. The lesson here: don’t live above your means; be happy with what you have.

Channel Your Inner Kardashian: No, I’m not telling you to profit by taking your clothes off and then complain that people only know you for taking your clothes off. I’m saying, in this economy, your diploma is certainly not a golden ticket to automatic employment, so master the art of making money by doing absolutely nothing.

Start stalking one of the celebutants until you become best friends, so you can profit from their version of the pyramid scheme (The Hilton Chain of Friends). If you cannot do this, try the newest do nothing and get paid thousands rage: life coach. Just remember that zombies aren’t technically living so they can’t be clients.

The Light Saber, TIE Fighter, and Dental Benefits Aren’t Worth It: It’s sad, but some of you will be forced to work jobs you despise in order to pay the bills until your real calling surfaces. For others, you’ll be faced with two roads diverged in a wood, one taking you to vast financial glory working a job you hate, or one of sweatshop level pay working a job that you love and are passionate about.

Take the latter. Sure, being able to buy a bunch of crap you don’t need seems great (check out the new app on iPhone that measures the emptiness a person feels inside), but it won’t be worth the toll the job takes on your soul. Doing something you love will be worth it because it will almost be like you’re never working at all, although your fingers will start getting sore after the 26^th soccer ball.

Win the Lottery: Thousands of people have done it, so who says the odds are against you? With financial independence you can rise above the Real World by having complete freedom to do everything you want. Don’t believe anything you hear about a lottery curse. Sure, some past winners have lost everything and even died, but you’ll be fine. Sure, Hurley crash landed on the island and is now stuck in the 70’s, but Locke will fix everything, don’t worry. If Ben and Richard get in the way and he can’t, remember that true happiness lies inside. It’s your destiny.

The Freshman's Guide to a Successful College Experience: 1st Edition

"Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing." (Billy Madison, 1995)

Baytree is filling up with solemn looking parents driving empty mini-vans home, and beamers driven by 17 year olds way too young to deserve them; therefore, another Fall Semester must be upon us where Valdosta is bombarded by the newest crop of deer in headlights looking Freshmen taking their next step towards the Real World (of course not the drunkin’ orgy in a hot tub, but the business casual, jeans on Friday, maybe drunkenly hook up with the new hire after happy hour deal). I was them once. I was you. I remember those anxious nervous feelings, eons ago, back in ’01: the excitement of new found freedom, the anxiousness of new surroundings, the fear of making new friends, the anticipation for the future.

As the old-timer that I am, I want to take the lessons I’ve learned and act as your Sherpa (China sucks!) through the perilous mountain range that is the college experience. First, I applaud you for making it this far, but it isn’t all Van Wilder, Animal House, Back to School and Saved by the Bell: The College Years as the American media would like you to believe. In fact, the stakes are against you; about half of all college students who start with the best intentions won’t graduate.

Of course the “experts” will give you their reasons for this, but it’s simple really: successfully completing college is about finding a balance, the yin of studying and making the grades and the yang of having fun and paying the rent. That’s it. For the most part, those who find the balance succeed, and those who don’t are yanked off the stage with a giant cane. So, to help you find that balance, here are my tips and suggestions for success.

1. Graduate Past Your High School Relationship – This goes 10 fold if said person lives more than an hour away. Look, I know this sounds cruel, but stop getting all Notebooky on me. Honestly, this should have been done long ago, but, now that you’re down here, the dawn of text messaging will make the confrontation much easier. I know you pledged your undying love to this other person, but, realistically, it cannot work. You both are at two different stages in your life. Eventually, you will resent this person and break-up three months later anyway because you’ll feel obligated to pack up your room and return to mom and dad’s every weekend so you can spend nights eating pizza at your old hang outs and snuggling up to Touched by an Angel reruns before the long journey back to Valdosta. This choice of lifestyle totally defeats the purpose of going to college and will only stunt your growth. If you two are meant to be, life will find a way to make it happen. I don’t care how good the sex is, end it!
2. Form a Fellowship (Your Roommate Shouldn’t be Your Only Friend.) – I know you two have everything in common right now, but, as the college experience takes its toll, your straight-edge roomie will quickly turn into a smoking, rolling, techno vampire. It is vital that you make friends with as many people in your dorm as possible so you’ll have somebody to switch rooms with later. More importantly, your posse is your support system; they are the people you’ll laugh and cry with, and as Mystery might say, “Even the best pick-up artists need a wingman.”

3. You’re a Citizen, Not a Tourist. Assimilation: It’s the Tops! (Followed by a Foreigner’s Awkward High-Five and Thumbs Up) – Don’t lay your clothes out the night before the first day of school and become the Hawaiian shirt, Panama Jack hat, Velcro sandal wearing island visitor. While you may look smoking in your dress and heels or designer jeans and witty t-shirt, there is nothing sadder as VSU veterans will only snicker at you because it is obvious that you are a newbie and are trying way too hard to impress. For now, stick with gym shorts or sweats, a wrinkled t-shirt, flip flops and that “Oh, God am I really up at 9 a.m. look,” and learn from there.

4. Older People Are More Than a Good Game of Bridge or Backgammon –Where would Luke Skywalker be without Yoda? Dead. He’d be dead and we’d all be screwed. Therefore, making friends with upperclassmen, people who can show you the ropes, will help you avoid many of the pitfalls that trap newcomers as your newfound friends will always be ready with sage advice. Also, you’ll need someone to buy you booze because your fake sucks; it may have worked back home, but there’s no way you’re going to pass for a 55-year-old Asian here.

5. There’s More to Them Than Free Food – While it may be fun to play Halo all night with your dorm mates, you need to get out there and mingle with some actual living, breathing human beings. There are clubs and intramural sports abound on campus so take your passion and find others who enjoy it too, except if it solely involves a bar. If you find yourself skipping class at 10 a.m. to talk about “that damn war” with some Grizzly Adams looking guy named Shorty at the local pub, your passion and the club you have joined is called alcoholism.

6. HAMMERTIME! Whoa, Whoa – Walk, skip, roll or do anything necessary other than drunkin’ driving to get to and back from your favorite watering hole. But if driving is the only way to the fine establishment on the other side of town, find a designated driver. Seriously, it’s not worth your life or somebody else’s. Plus, that kid who plays Dungeons and Dragons down the hall would love any excuse to get out of his room; unless, of course, you’re interrupting his late night web cam date when things are starting to get very interesting. A quick tip: When a door is locked, always knock.

7. Ride the Rails: Hobo It!– There is no keeping up with the Joneses when you are in college. You are a student so you are supposed to be poor. Eat Ramen and drink Natty Light while occasionally splurging on the good stuff. Learn which restaurants and bars have the best specials on what days. Do not apply for a credit card “for emergencies” or take out a high interest private student loan for that 80 inch plasma to accent your room. While your loans may seem like free money now, you will have to pay them back with interest later and, sadly, a college degree, in this day and age, does not guarantee a high paying job. I’m starting to wonder if my $30,000 debt would have been better spent at the craps table throwing the bones.

8 If You Paid For a Clown You’d Expect More Than Cigarette Butts in Your Children’s Tears – Following up on tip #7, you more inquisitive types probably already noticed that your tuition includes a lot of other things besides classes like a rec center fee, an athletic fee, and a student activities fee. In a slightly underhanded way, you are paying so you can work out at the rec center, attend VSU sporting events, and participate in various student activities brought to you by the Campus Activities Board, even if you never had any intention of doing so. But, hey, if you’re already paying for these things, take advantage. The Rec Center is a great place to work out and master your peripherals with all of the hot ass to check out, CAB usually has finger lickin’ good BBQ’s at Palm’s Quad and if you’re stuck up UGA’s ass and aren’t aware, the Blazers are the DII National Champs so screw “Go Dawgs,” and take a Saturday morning walk down to Bazemore-Hyder.

9. It’s 2008. Shouldn’t We Be Able to Teleport By Now? – In my experience, finding an available parking at space at VSU is like finding a politician who tells the truth. I know the powers at be probably told you during orientation that the parking decks will provide more than 2000 new spaces and solve VSU’s notorious parking problem, but, as a veteran who fought in The Great Parking Wars, I’m not optimistic. I hope I’m proved wrong, but there are a lot more of you now and these decks should have been built at least five years ago. I say save your money and find your own special spot somewhere off-campus. This is where making friends with upperclassmen (even sophomores) is important because they may make their driveways available to you…for a price, muahahahah!!! Sorry. But, if that ain’t happenin,’ there’s usually some parking at random apartment complexes near campus, College Street, Boone Drive and Williams Street. Most importantly, if you’re going to park illegally, park in a marked VSU staff or reserved space because your fine will usually only be $15, which is substantially less than the more than $50 the city will fine you for parking on a yellow curb.

10 The Real World Can Wait (I Love Money and The Entertainer are the Shiznit) – Don’t be one of those overachievers who takes summer classes to graduate early. Similarly, if you took AP classes in high school I pity you. College is not meant to be a piece of paper balled up and thrown at you on the way to a house in the suburbs. Slow down and take it all in. College is two fold; it is a place for learning and a place for growing. Years from now you’ll forget mostly everything that you learned in those core classes you were forced to take, but you’ll always have the memories, the crazy stories and the friends you made along the way.

Photos taken from actual CD and movie covers, IMDB.com, music.aol.com and city-date.com. Article also published in Valdosta's entertainment magazine The Glass Onion. For those of you away from Titletown, I hope you enjoyed it here.