Zoiks! A Friday Show For Once

Last night, while enjoying a smashing evening with friends at O'Corleys, I learned that three terrific local bands are actually playing at Vito's on Friday instead of on Thursday for once. So rise fellow weekday work zombies as we can enjoy a local show for once without fear of employer reprisals. Friday, Friday, Friday, Prepare for Fancy Blood, No More Analog, and False Arrest at Vito's. OBEY!

What a Year

2008 was quite a year, a mixed bag if you will. Where there was the election of the indestructible Obama (up, up, and away) there was Blagojevich and Spitzer. Movies like “The Dark Knight” and “Wall-E” were worth every Benjamin spent on tickets and popcorn while films like “The Happening” and “The Love Guru” incited rioting in the streets.

Musically, Axl Rose finally gave us “Chinese Democracy” after 13 years, Rihanna went “Thriller” with 2007’s “Good Girl Gone Bad” as almost every track became a single making the album relevant in 2008, Britney Spears got her sexy back allowing guys who live in their parents’ basement to cancel their porn subscriptions, and Vanilla Ice released an album featuring “Ice Ice Baby” remixes and covers of classic 90’s rap hits. The album is like a harder version of Robert Goulet’s “The Coconut Bangers Ball: It’s a Rap!”

As far as politics go, 50 percent of California’s gay community won’t be getting divorced because of proposition eight, the presidential election made Alaska relevant for 15 minutes, terrorists are still acting like a playground bully, pirates are swashbuckling on speed boats sans eyepatches and peg legs, our economy is in the tank, and China will probably control the world by 2050.

In the sports world, the other Manning foiled the Patriots perfect season, Floridians actually watched baseball because of the Rays, Big Brown didn't live up to the hype causing many broken thumbs and a shortage of rope, handsaws, and plastic sheets, hockey still isn’t on a TV channel I get for free, and Plaxico Burress brought an unregistered gun into a night club…loaded…and shot himself in the foot.

And the most shocking news of all…Clay Aiken is gay.

What a crazy year, and that’s not even it. Enjoy the following list of the best and worst moments of 2008.

The Worst Moments of 2008

The Mumbai Massacre - Some terrorists once again decided to ruin everybody’s fun and commit another act of douchebaggery. I’m not going to get into a discussion on ideology, revenge, or other reasons why these rat bastards continue to commit these acts. I agree, there are lots of things f#$%&# up in the world but killing people is not helping you make any new friends. In the movie “Demolition Man” the terrorists ransacking the Taco Bell’s actually had a worthy cause. You are just assholes.

The Next Bailout Should be for my Student Loans – The economy is terrible, so what do the fat cats in Washington decide to do? Throw money at the problem. I guess they figure the same approach works whenever a DUI or dead hooker shows up so apply the same solution in this case. First, the banks got billions.Then the auto industry got some. Now the retail industry is clamoring because people aren’t maxing out their credit cards anymore in pursuit of crap they don’t really need. I’m not an economist so don’t ask me if the bailouts will actually work or not. Really, I don’t think the “experts” even know. The funniest thing about this whole situation is that these industries wouldn’t let many of us near a loan or a car unless we agreed to pay a ridiculous interest rate (hmm…maybe that’s one reason why we’re in this mess to begin with), and now they want to borrow money from our moth infested pockets. If the retailers somehow get a bailout then shoplifting should be made legal for one day so we can get some return on our “investment.” Look out Best Buy, here I come.

Who Wouldn’t Kill for a Nintendo Wii? Do You Know How Hard They Are to Find, Geesh! – Some folks in Long Island showed us their version of the meaning of Christmas when they trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death because of their zombieish hunger for heavily discounted items. Next year, so everybody has a chance, I say get the poor employees making minimum wage out of the way and have the shoppers fight for their prized items in a Roman style gladiator match. The last people standing will rejoice knowing they won and that little Timmy won’t throw a temper tantrum Christmas morning. The losers still alive will have to live with the shame that they let their families down, but they’ll have a great story to tell. Sorry, Bobby, at least Daddy still has all of his limbs.

High School Health Class Just Got a Little More Interesting - The man who gave birth did not make my worst list because I have something against transgendered folks. You’re adults so do what you want, except your “Crying Game” trickery makes the push up bra a welcome surprise. The guy who gave birth makes this list because now women everywhere actually have some weight behind their complaints that men should have to bear childbirth so we understand the pain. Forget that a pebble could barely squeeze through our pee holes, the doctors would have to rip that sucker straight out. Think of Kuato from Total Recall.

Democratic Republic: The Right to Vote for the Best Hypocrite - While 2008 gave us the election of Barack Obama, a guy whose trustworthiness causes shivering orgasms, the year also brought us the likes of Governor Rod Blagojevich, Governor Elliot Spitzer, and Senator John Edwards. All three candidates ran on high moral platforms and all managed to show us once again that you can never trust a politician. These men did do some good with their scandals, however. Blagojevich showed that Lego Men can achieve greatness in the human world, Spitzer’s main lady Ashley Dupree got her music heard because of her 15 minutes of fame (I think her single “Pearl Necklace” was number one on Itunes for a week), and Edwards, well, I cannot say the same for him. The guy cheated on his cancer ridden wife. Bastard move. And Sen. Larry Craig still hasn’t resigned. Way to go, Wide Stance!

The Best Moments of 2008

Obama Almighty (Hopefully not Another Crappy Bruce Almighty Sequel) – The 2008 election gave us two things: an inspirational leader who wants to unite our split country and an Obama commemorative plate to add to our already vast collection of fine china. He’s going right next to Elvis and the porcelain rooster napkin holder. Sure many of us believed a tin of SPAM would be an improvement of Dubya, but this guy actually seems like he’s going to get the job done. His name conjures up visions of Kennedy and Lincoln, and he hasn’t even served one day in office yet. Who-ahh! The election also showed how far we’ve progressed as the country elected an African-American to the highest office, and the 18-24 crowd stopped just saying they would vote and went to the polls finally. It was nice not having voting machines, lawyers, and the Supreme Court choose our president for once.

The Dark Knight (No, I’m not talking about Obama again) - Christopher Nolan’s sequel to “Batman Begins” was the best movie of the year, the best movie of the decade, and maybe even the best movie of all time. The fact that many snooty critics are considering the action-blockbuster for a best picture nomination speaks volumes. The late Heath Ledger has already picked up numerous Best Supporting Actor awards and is a shoo in for the Oscar in the same category. He personified the Joker, and future Batman films will suffer because they won’t be able to live up to the bar that he set. So, yeah, it was a great movie. Hopefully you didn’t waste your money on “The Happening.”

Flipper, Flipper, Faster Than Lightning – Michael Phelps looked like a dolphin competing against men as he decimated the competition in Beijing. Jason Lezak came a nanonsecond away from beating Aquaman, but not even he or China’s air quality (luckily Phelps had to hold his breath most of the time) could thwart the swimmer’s record breaking eight Olympic gold medals. Now the guy is showing up everywhere with all the gold bling around his neck. Don’t let the fame get to your head. Facebook photos of you at strip clubs aren’t helping your cred with sponsors. You seem like a nice guy. You don’t want to end up like Pacman Jones, do you?

J.J. Abrams Just Likes to Torture Us – Enough with the questions man, we want answers! “Lost” season four brought us more questions, some answers, and hours of hair pulling. We learned a little bit because of future glimpses of the Oceanic Six, but the last half of the year we’ve been torturing ourselves trying to figure out why Locke is in the casket, where the island went, and if Jin is still alive. If “Lost” episodes were shown to terrorists every attack would be thwarted because they would give up all information in return for future episodes. We would get the last laugh though because there never are any answers. And everyone thinks waterboarding is cruel.

TV Evangelicals Have Been Right All Along – The Tampa Bay Rays removed “Devil” from their name, and, presto, they went from American League laughing stocks to American League pennant winners. The ball club proved that teams with lowly payrolls can be successful against richer franchises if they possess the right combination of youth, pitching, speed, scouting, power, chemistry, and veteran leadership. Having a ton of first round draft picks for the last decade helped a lot too. Even though the Phillies defeated them in five games to win the World Series, baseball fans will always remember 2008 as the year of the Rays. Although, Tampa’s fair weather fans will probably forget in two years, if the team doesn’t duplicate its success next year.

New Sports Blog - The Walk Ons

Some friends and I have started a blog called The Walk Ons, which can be read at www.walkons.blogspot.com. For those of you who like to read my occasional sports rants, those articles will move to the new blog. For those of you who were picked last for dodgeball in gym class, you'll no longer have to curse my name as sports blogs will no longer be a part of Ghostmen. Stay classy San Diego.

TGIF, but Monday is Always Looming

"Did I do thhaaatttt?"

Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend" says it all. So, so poignant. Friday's are always such a cheerful day because two and a half days of freedom from work drudgery are a five o'clock whistle blow away. For those of us who don't enjoy our job, have no passion for it, and/or trudge there everyday only in the name of bills, bills, bills, weekends are everything.

Doing the math, weekends equal around 130 days of the year, meaning, if you work a five day work week, eight hours (if your lucky) of each day of the remaining 235 days (not factoring in holidays and "sick days"), are spent "working for the weekend." This doesn't include the time spent in preparation for work or the nights spent at home instead of at a show because it would be irresponsible/craptacular to stay out all night and zombie it through the next day.

The joys of the real world. Luckily, for the folks out there who aren't shackled to their cubicle with a one foot titanium chain, there are hilarious friends and co-workers to countdown the work days with.

I envy all of you who are passionate about your job and have employers who actually appreciate and reward your toil. This post is way too depressing for a Friday. To get back in the groove, for your listening pleasure, the theme song to "Family Matters." Ba ba ba ba ba do (music, not Robert Goulet).....It's a rare condition, this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page. Love and tradition of the grand design (high and long on the -sign), some people say it's even harder to find...

"And What Do You Call the Act?" The Aristocrats!

On the way to Tallahassee for Andrew's Open Mic at The Comedy Zone, he and Billy told me about a behind closed doors joke shared by comedians called The Aristocrats." Basically, the setup and punchline are always the same, something along the lines of somebody pitching an act to a talent agent and then the talent agent asking what the act is called followed by the answer - "The Aristocrats."

The middle of the joke is where hilarity ensues. It is always different and the idea is to ad lib the most nasty, shocking, grotesque act that anybody could ever imagine.

In 2005, a documentary came out about "The Aristocrats." It shows various comics doing their version of the joke, and, according to Andrew, Bob Saget does the best version. For your enjoyment here it is. It's definitely not the after school special brand of Full House that we're all used to.

Note: This video is totally inappropriate for anybody under the age of 175.

1. Keep It Away From Bright Light 2. Don't Get Water On It 3. Never Feed It After Midnight

This is a picture of our cat Boston when he was a wee kitten. Even then it was clear he would grow to gargantuan proportions. I found it on the computer and put it on here because it is hilarious. He looks like Garfield now, but, back then, he looked like a nice Gremlin.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Shoe

Apparently, in Arab culture, "throwing a shoe or striking someone with one is the ultimate form of contempt," according to this CNN story. In that case, this Iraqi journalist showed how he and I'm sure more than a few of his country men and women feel towards our lame duck pres and the U.S.'s treatment of Iraq.

Bush looked like a true dodgeball hero or the latest human saved from the Matrix as he avoided the casual shoe fastballs. I know they were shoes and the journalists covering the press conference were probably searched for "real" weapons before they entered the press room, but security looked pretty lax as this guy was able to chuck not one but a pair of footwear on stage. Luckily for the pres, Oddjob wasn't out there camouflaged with glasses, a notepad, and a cynical smirk or he would have suffered a flying hat to the jugular.

Finally, It's Here

Tomorrow folks. Tomorrow. Tomorrow my favorite film of '08 will be in my firm grasp. It's a longshot for Best Picture, but the fact that critics are even considering this blockbuster for a nomination says volumes.

If you haven't seen it yet, I feel sorry for you. The only way you missed this picture is if you were just rescued from avalanche asphyxiation by a St. Bernard carrying rum around his neck. When the hangover wears off read my review of the film, but, honestly, unless you are just bored at work and porn isn't an option because of those pesky filters, just go out and rent the movie tomorrow. You will not be disappointed.

Figured I'd Share Some of the Art I've been Working On

As a kid I drew all of the time drawing inspiration from the Looney Toons and Marvel and DC comics. Then, for some reason, as I got older I stopped drawing less and less until I stopped. However, recently I picked up the ole pencil again when I discovered rock posters. My folks got me this book called Art of Modern Rock two years ago for Christmas, which I highly recommenend as the artists are truly awe inspiring, and I started going from there attempting to duplicate pieces from some of the posters I liked the best. I still have a long way to go but I figured I'd share of the pieces I've been working on anyway.

I would love any feedback and constructive critism that you have. It goes in the order of my most recent work to the first piece, which was done about a year and a half ago.

Recreated from a silkscreened rock poster for the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion by Methane Studios out of Atlanta for the Echo Lounge. I used pencil and blue, red, and green Sharpie markers.

Redrawn from a silkscreen poster for Scissorfight by Aesthetic Appartus out of Minneapolis, MN for the Triple Rock Social Club. I used pencil and a blue Sharpie marker.

This is based on a frame from Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns when the caped crusader kills The Joker. It was done with charcoal pencil.

This is based on an image of Death that I found online. I think drawing hands will forever baffle me. It was done with charcoal pencil.

I cannot quite remember what the inspiration for this was. I think it is based on an AC/DC album cover. It was done with pencil and charcoal pencil.

This is based on Art Sasse's iconic photo of Einstein during his birthday at Princeton. Saying it has some proportional issues would be generous, but it's recognizable at least. It was done with pencil and Sharpie markers.

Random Fodder: Barry McSteroid Backlash

Do Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens hang out on weekends now?

I noticed last night that Major League Baseball 2K8 for PS2 (no, I'm not cool. I don't have one of those new fangled video play machines yet) does not include the single season and all-time home run records in their list of all-time Major League Baseball records.

This game is extremely buggy at times and inaccurate (they claim Ken Griffey Jr. has the all-time stolen base record to name one example), but leaving out The Sultan of Steroids (Shrinking Testicles) cannot be a mere oversight. It's nice to see that the folks who made this game actually took a side in the Barry Bonds steroid/home run record controversy by choosing not to publish the category and record* at all. Is this "oversight" the same on the next gen versions?

It's too bad they didn't go a step further by including the home run categories and attributing the records to their true holders: Roger Maris and Hank Aaron.

If the Glove Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit: Legal Logic From the Lazy Boy Lawyer

Yesterday, the family of Jdimytai Damour, the man trampled to death at a Long Island Wal-Mart filed a wrongful-death lawsuit against the retail chain claiming store ads offering deep discounts "created an atmosphere of competition and anxiety" that led to "crowd craze," according to this story.

This legal argument sounds like something from the guy in the commercials between The People's Court and The Bold and the Beautiful, but it will still hold up. When something devastating happens society must find somebody to blame and because none of the mob will ever be held responsible, Wal-Mart, it looks like your it. I don't blame Damour's family for going after Wal-Mart for compensation because they deserve something for what happened. But c'mon, really, deals leading to crowd craze. I guess I need to watch out for all the 80 year old ladies with their fists full of coupons from the Sunday circular the next time I go to the grocery store. Nobody wants a 2 for 1 can of tuna to the side of the head.

Seriously though, who do we blame here? Which side is the correct one to take? Is picking one side really that easy or is there plenty of blame to go around? On the one hand, you have a greedy retailer providing door buster (literally in this case) prices, so they should expect a huge turnout and be ready for it, especially considering there are massive Black Friday crowds every year. On the other hand, the shoppers acted like unstoppable brain-hungry zombies, who actually tore the doors down on their way to trampling Damour.

Another point: Were any other people killed at the thousands of other Wal-Mart's in the country, which most likely provided the same level or lack of security, depending on your viewpoint. No. So, the question becomes: Was Wal-Mart lucky in the sense that only one person was killed because of their lackluster efforts, or was this an isolated incidental caused by the maniacal mob?

Also: Wal-Mart was not the only giant retailer offering incredible Black Friday deals. Was security much better at Target, Kohl's, K-Mart, and the other retail chains, or, again, was the tragedy at the Long Island Wal-Mart an isolated incident? Similarly, Black Friday has been going on for years so how come people haven't been dying at these sales events for years? Was security better in past years, or, again, was this an isolated incident?

While most of us have a negative view of Wal-Mart except when we're getting a 3 for 1 deal on Hot Pockets, is it fair that they will end up forking over millions because of the deplorable actions of a group of people, while those folks receive no consequences for their actions at all?

Here is my Swiftian suggestion: If retailers continue to have Black Friday in years to come, all shoppers should be tazered and wheelbarrowed into the stores so nobody's safety will be compromised. Sure, it will sting for a little while but after a few seconds they will return to normal and have no problem reaching for their wallets.

The Mob Needs Coal and Compassion Shoved Into Their Stockings

I still cannot get past what happened last week when a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob driven mad by Black Friday deals. I wish it was easy enough to blame Jdimytai Damour's death on a stint of insanity, but unfortunately it is just another example of people not giving a shit.

While we rage at the Mumbai massacre and terrorists and the hell they are putting this world through, a guy gets killed so people can be first in line at the $2 DVD bin. The senseless of it all.

In the preceding clip, and this story from the New York Times (more detailed than msn's piece I linked to before) a witness, Kimberly Cribbs of Queens, said many of the shoppers acted like "savages" and were upset because they had to leave the store after the man's death.

“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’ ” Ms. Cribbs told The Associated Press. “They kept shopping."

Wow, and I thought Christmas was supposed to be about compassion and love. I guess I'm just a naive idealist.

The only good to come out of this is that the pregnant woman didn't lose her baby and ended up being okay.

In the aftermath I have several thoughts on the matter:

1. When I originally heard this story I assumed it was an elderly greeter who was killed. No, apparently Damour was something like 6'5" 270 lbs. For me, that makes the story even more unbelievable.

2. Defending Wal-Mart makes me feel so dirty, and by no means do I applaud their treatment of employees, but it is too easy for our blame everybody else society to pin everything on the retail giant's lack of security and not on the mob's zombie-like hunger for deals. Granted, Black Friday is known for stampeding crowds and Wal-Mart could have provided more barricades, fences, and security, but Damour would still be alive if these shoppers had acted like human beings and not rabid wolves. I've got it! In the future tazer them all and wheelbarrow them in.

3. Similarly, the only punishment in this whole thing will be to Wal-Mart's purse as it will be forced to relinquish millions in a civil suit. Not one person from that mob will serve a second in jail or provide a minute of community service, even if their faces are visible on tape. The defense is too easy. "I was pushed." "I had no choice but to follow the wave." Sadly, Damour's family and friends will only receive corporate PR apologies and never anything sincere from the persons who actually did the deed. Yes, I just puked in a bucket too.

4. What will shopping the rest of the Christmas season be like? Do I need to don riot gear and a Kevlar vest as I peruse through close-out, bottom-line weekend discounts? Maybe I should do all of my shopping online this year to avoid any injury.