Behold! The Best and Worst Christmas Movies of all Time

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

As I headed towards a cash register at Wal-Mart the other day I was perplexed when I heard what sounded like Christmas music over the loudspeaker…...more than two weeks before Thanksgiving. Growing up, my mom always had a rule that the Christmas stuff couldn’t go up until the day after Thanksgiving, which often meant my pop, brother, and me were forced to battle the abominable snowman putting up Christmas lights. Oh well, I guess. Sorry, mom.

In their pursuit for the all mighty dollar, retailers are making Christmas come earlier and earlier every year, so we procrastinators will be tricked into handing over our hard earned clams sooner and sooner. In five years, we’ll probably be singing “Deck the Halls” as we carve jack-o-lanterns. Seeing that like small mom and pop businesses I cannot fight the power of Wal-Mart, and honestly I’m too lazy right now to try, I’ll succumb to their whims and provide you with my list of the best and worst Christmas movies of all time…two weeks before Thanksgiving.

Trust this list. Use it. It will save you hours of frustration that you can tap into when you say screw the 10,000 piece erector set your nephew’s new bike turned into and bring out the duct tape, or when you’re fighting for packs of white tube socks and stale fruitcake with the other slackers Christmas Eve.

THE BEST

1. A Christmas Story (1983) – There is a reason this movie is shown for 24 straight hours every holiday season. It is the best Christmas movie of all time. No other movie on this list has this honor and no other Christmas movie ever will. This movie perfectly captures what it is like during Christmas for both young and old--the joy, the anticipation and the frustration. No other Christmas movie has as many memorable references as this film. Everybody knows what “You’ll shoot your eye out” and “FRA-GEE-LAY” refers to. As far as “A Christmas Story” is concerned, every other movie can stick their tongues to a pole.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - The genius it took to adapt this Dr. Seuss book into movie magic rivals only the mind behind the spork. Everything was done perfectly from the Grinch’s devilish grin to hiring horror icon Boris Karloff to provide the narration. While Lindsay Lohan can’t get away with forgetting her underwear, the Grinch can because, one, he’s the Grinch, and he doesn’t care what you think unless you reside in Whoville, and two, because he is a timeless classic that we’ll all be enjoying 50 years from now. I can’t say the same for “I Know Who Killed Me.”

3. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – This is the Babe Ruth of Christmas movies minus the hot dogs and debauchery. The question is why doesn’t this movie belong in spot one or two? Simply put, at times, it’s depressing. Yes, I know, it perfectly illustrates the true meaning of Christmas, but who wants to sit down with a mug of hot chocolate next to the chestnuts roasting over an open fire and watch some depressed guy come an angel away from killing himself? While Clarence may be second only to Al from “Angels in the Outfield” when it comes to the best movie angels, and I know we’ve all been in George Bailey’s shoes, I would much rather watch Ralphie beat up Scut Farkus.

4. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) – In this 3rd installment of National Lampoon’s vacation series the Griswolds’ stay home and are forced to deal with their crazy relatives and a maniac squirrel. Chevy Chase, the number one person on my “What Happened to That Guy” list, will keep you peeing in your pants long after your great-uncle Milo has finished telling anecdotes and passed out from drinking too much eggnog.

5. Home Alone (1990) – This movie is every kid’s dream and every parent’s nightmare. While the sequel with “the bird lady” in New York is hilarious, the original is the best. Kevin McCallister is every kid’s hero because he escaped from the Neverland Ranch, and because, while he missed his family, he proved he’s better off without them. Adoption papers are already in the mail to “the guy with the shovel” and “the bird lady.”

HONORABLE MENTION

1. Miracle on 34th Street (1947) – I haven’t seen this movie but my girlfriend says it belongs on this list. Seeing how I do everything she commands for risk of reprisal it is here. Please don’t hurt me!
2. A Christmas Carol (1984 TV) – George C. Scott plays the quintessential Ebenezer Scrooge in this made for television movie classic.
4. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) – I’m not sure if this is a Halloween or Christmas movie; but, either way, Tim Burton’s gothic tale turns Christmas upside down and captures the essence of what the holiday season is truly about.

THE WORST

1. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006) – Like the “Godfather” trilogy, this third installment is by far the worst in the, what is already terrible enough, “Santa Clause” series. The first movie in the threesome was decent, but the trilogy snowballed downhill until this movie smashed into the ski lodge ruining everybody’s hot cocoa drinking fun. These movies leave me wondering what seedy lawyer created the document that is the “santa clause” because there seems to be a lot of fine print. If there is a sequel it better be straight to DVD and it should be titled “The Santa Clause 4: If the Glove Doesn’t Fit you Must Acquit.” In this film Scott Calvin would hire the best elf defense lawyer ginger snaps and candy canes could buy and finally save himself and us from the misery that is this series of movies. In the end, Calvin would channel Steven Spielberg’s ex-wife, prove the clause was written on a napkin, and reap the multi-million dollar reward.

2. Jingle All the Way (1996) – The movie Predator featured two future political studs: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura. My only hope is the same doesn’t go for this Arnold film. Although Sinbad proved in “First Kid” he could bring more comic flair to the White House then Clinton and Bush combined, he and this film belong in the $1 DVD bin. Not even the late Phil Hartman could save this film from disaster.

3. Christmas With the Kranks (2004) – Tim Allen must be the modern day Ebenezer Scrooge because he doesn’t seem to care how much he fouls up Christmas for others as long as he makes a buck. This film makes me think of that awkward encounter with your attractive aunt by marriage under the mistletoe. Like that situation, when it comes to Christmas With the Kranks, just play it safe; walk away no matter how much eggnog you’ve had and no matter how much the coast is clear. It’s not worth the decades of awkwardness and regret.

4. The Polar Express (2004) – This movie makes the worst list mainly because of the creepy look the characters have in this live action/animated feature. Long before the high-class performance capture effects of movies like “Beowulf,” the performance capture technology used in this flick is eerie at best. Somehow they managed to turn loveable guy next door Tom Hanks into five different soulless, plastic cyborgs hungry for your brain. Normally, I would be more forgiving because the movie’s plot isn’t so bad, but the book of the same name that the film is based on is beautifully illustrated. It’s like starting with Giselle Bundchen and ending up with Dorothy from the Golden Girls

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) – Musically, I despise bad covers and covers of artists that should be untouchable. It is for this reason above anything else that this movie is on the list. Re-doing the Grinch, no matter how noble the reasoning, is like attempting to cover Zeppelin or Dylan. It just shouldn’t be done. Hendrix made magic with “All Along the Watchtower” covering the latter, but director Ron Howard, while talented, definitely did not channel the guitar god in his version. At least they made this film live action and not animated, or that would have been a crime worse than Jim Carrey’s thriller “The Number 23.”
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DISHONORABLE MENTION

1. Surviving Christmas (2004) – Has there ever been an actor more hit or miss than Ben Affleck? He’s just lucky “Reindeer Games” doesn’t show up here as well.
2. Ernest Saves Christmas (1988) – This movie, along with all of the Ernest movies, were great – when I was six. For arguments sake the best Ernest film was “Ernest Goes to Camp.”