There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge.
This is the dimension of trying to find one’s self and place while tap dancing like an organ-grinder’s chimp to avoid layoffs, licking return envelops for 80 years worth of student loan payments while leaning back in a papasan chair that perfectly accents your parents’ basement, and living it up on Washingtons Friday and Saturday nights and sleeping off the hangover on Sundays so you can start the whole 9 to 5 all over again Monday morn. It is an area which we call The Real World.
First, let me just say congrats to all of the folks who just graduated. Now, I hate to break it to you, but when you shook hands with the older guy who has something important to do with VSU and walked back to your seat, you crossed through a worm hole taking you from Academia into the Real World. Great Scott, Marty.
Here’s a paper bag. Just breathe into it. It’ll be okay. This dimension is a lot different than your former college life, but there still is a lot of fun to be had. For those of you who didn’t get off the Gravitron, there’s still grad school to spin around in. For others, there’s a cushy desk job lined up for you by your parents at Callahan Auto.
For the rest, many will tell you there’s years of weekly 40 hour cubicle living, settling for a career which has nothing to do with what you spent four to six years working towards, or lounging in three day old boxers and a Dorito stained wife beater searching Craig’s List for the perfect job you thought was waiting for you as soon as you threw your cap in the air.
Sure, the Real World can be a lot like this and it is full of toolbags as MTV illustrates, but neither of these has to be your life. Sure, you’ll have to sell out a little bit, but that’s better then being thrown in debtor’s prison and being shipped to Australia. So punch in, collect your check, and enjoy your passions when the whistle blows. Never stop searching for your perfect career, and never stop learning. Your local library will allow you to build on the $50,000 library card you’ve already started for free.
So, heed this advice and always remember, “Where you’re going, you don’t need roads.” If this doesn’t do it for you, and you’re still freaking out, hopefully the following wisdom will calm you down. If not, try a horse tranquilizer or start researching graduate schools.
Where There’s Kid, There’s Play – When the infamous rap duo wasn’t in the lab crafting timeless rhymes, they were enjoying not one or two, but three unforgettable house parties. The same should go for you. Don’t let work control your life. Put in the time and sweat, but always remember to have fun. For the best results, try combining the two. I’m sure you’ll have no problem convincing your boss that a House Party style dance off would be a good team building exercise.
Welfare: The Real World’s Excess Check – Many of you are used to a hefty check at the beginning of every semester to pay for life’s necessities: food, water, Louis Vuitton handbags and Jet Fuel. For those of you who don’t find a job and/or refuse to cut back, fear not as the government is here to help.
The checks and food stamps are supposed to go towards helping you live until you can get on you feet, but you’re smart. You’ll have no problem convincing the gov that the 60” Plasma you bought on sale was necessary because you plan on eating it. Paula Deen suggests sautéing plasma with some mushrooms and green peppers and accenting it with a dark ale, but I love it between two slices of Wonder bread, smothered in mayo, and topped with a slice of government cheese. The lesson here: don’t live above your means; be happy with what you have.
Channel Your Inner Kardashian: No, I’m not telling you to profit by taking your clothes off and then complain that people only know you for taking your clothes off. I’m saying, in this economy, your diploma is certainly not a golden ticket to automatic employment, so master the art of making money by doing absolutely nothing.
Start stalking one of the celebutants until you become best friends, so you can profit from their version of the pyramid scheme (The Hilton Chain of Friends). If you cannot do this, try the newest do nothing and get paid thousands rage: life coach. Just remember that zombies aren’t technically living so they can’t be clients.
The Light Saber, TIE Fighter, and Dental Benefits Aren’t Worth It: It’s sad, but some of you will be forced to work jobs you despise in order to pay the bills until your real calling surfaces. For others, you’ll be faced with two roads diverged in a wood, one taking you to vast financial glory working a job you hate, or one of sweatshop level pay working a job that you love and are passionate about.
Take the latter. Sure, being able to buy a bunch of crap you don’t need seems great (check out the new app on iPhone that measures the emptiness a person feels inside), but it won’t be worth the toll the job takes on your soul. Doing something you love will be worth it because it will almost be like you’re never working at all, although your fingers will start getting sore after the 26th soccer ball.
Win the Lottery: Thousands of people have done it, so who says the odds are against you? With financial independence you can rise above the Real World by having complete freedom to do everything you want. Don’t believe anything you hear about a lottery curse. Sure, some past winners have lost everything and even died, but you’ll be fine. Sure, Hurley crash landed on the island and is now stuck in the 70’s, but Locke will fix everything, don’t worry. If Ben and Richard get in the way and he can’t, remember that true happiness lies inside. It’s your destiny.
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